This is arguably one of the biggest weeks for movies in ages, not because it has a certified blockbuster like every week since May, but because it doesn’t. In fact, it has a lot of movies that are uniquely tailored to different audiences making it a week that will likely be almost sort of interesting. Almost. Not a challenge to call, though.
The Expendables 2
You could argue this is the big blockbuster for the week but the movies it’s stacked up against mean it’ll be getting a run for its money. That’s not to say a pantload of people won’t be going to this, it’s the cinematic equivalent of hearing Journey at karaoke night, some kind of weird, kitschy nostalgia that you just can’t not like. This movie brings back most of the old action stars form part one but then tosses in whoever it missed the first time around like Chuck Norris, Jean Claude Van Damme and, for some reason, John Travolta.
What’s the plot of this movie? Ha ha ha ha! Good one.
In a nutshell: If you liked part one, then see part 2.
Oh, Sylvester Stallone, did you see this one coming? Sure to chew into the box office this weekend is ParaNorman. The last animated film that came out was Ice Age 16 or whatever, and no one much cared for that last month. Kids have been home all damn summer bugging the ever loving shit out of their parents and no big animated release has come out since July 13th. It is for that reason alone that ParaNorman is poised to kick someone’s ass. But ten look out, it’ a creepy kind of animated movie, made by the people who made Coraline, and if the amount of Nightmare Before Christmas shit they still sell at Hot Topic is any indication, creepy animated films are beloved.
In a nutshell: No one even cares what happens in this movie, it’ll be huge. Make a note of this if you make animated movies, just put a monster in it.
On the surface this movie looks like a shit wedged into a turd and well it should be. It immediately makes me think of the Mariah Carey opus Glitter, since it has basically the same name and I will bet a solid sum of money that the storylines are remarkably similar and I have not nor will I see either of them. Someone tell me I’m wrong though. I’m pretty sure Glitter was about a struggling young singer trying to become a star. You know Sparkle is the same damn movie. BUT! And here’s the thing, it also stars Whitney Houston. Bam! Instant box office draw. Not huge draw, but enough to register.
In a nutshell: If you read this website you have no interest in this movie. Good for you.
David Cronenberg is insane and eveyr movie he makes is more insane than the last one in some way. Some are awesome, some are despicable, but they’re all Cronenberg movies and he made some weird shit back in the 1970’s, yo. Plus, check out Clive Barker’s Nightbreed sometime, it’s about monsters that live under a cemetery and David Cronenberg is a psychotic therapist in a mask. Kind of cheesy, but fun. That has nothing to do with this movie, but Robert Pattinson stars in it, so have nothing to say.
In a nutshell: It’s not Sparkle.
Here’s a movie no one has heard of and probably won’t hear of either. I dunno what the hell it is, but the poster could be a lady on the toilet who’s just fed up with the stank, or a chick about to trip balls. The washed out, shitty colors also indicate she could be a few minutes away from a nasty murdering. Murders always happen in poorly lit posters with bad wallpaper.
In a nutshell: Check your wallpaper. Looking a bit faded? Paint everything tangerine, before it’s too late.