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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: August 10th

Last week the Hollywood machine had a possum stuck in the gears and turned out pure shit.  Our apologies to anyone who went to theaters last week.  This week a new set of movies with maybe some more potential and less suckitude.  But who will reign supreme?  Behold!

The Bourne Legacy

The Bourne series continues even though Matt Damon had to leave to go get fitted for hats, or whatever it is that he’s up to these days aside from starring in popular movies.  This time Bourne is Hawkeye and nothing is at it seems!  Or whatever.  Something in the commercial talked about altered genes, so I guess Bourne is like a sci fi hero now or something, which seems like a legit angle to take the series.  Why rest on success?  Best to make it weird.

In a nutshell:  Do people love Hawkeye enough for this to work?  Yeah, it’ll do OK.

The Campaign

This is Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell in a funny movie together, so it’s obviously going to do well because everyone loves Ferrell and Galifianakis except for those movie hipsters who say they don’t but only because they smell like unwashed balls.  There’s really no causality there but it’s worth noting.  No one cares if this movie even has a plot, just if it’s funny.  It’ll be funny.

In a nutshell:  Yeah, this’ll be funny.

Hope Springs

I hate that this movie is about Tommy Lee Jones’ boner.  Probably not directly and explicitly, but implicitly this movie is all Tommy Lee boner and worse than that, if you can conceptualize such a thing, it’s about a boner that’s directed straight at Meryl Streep.  Meryl Streep feeds boners the way plastic fruit feeds starving orphans.

Now on the surface I am not begrudging Tommy Lee Jones, either the man himself or characters he plays boners, have at it, it just seems an awful thing to do in a movie.  And the worst part is that this movie is probably very well acted and may even be awesome but Jesus, Tommy Lee boners?

In a nutshell:  Old people not terrified by Tommy Lee boners will flock to this.

The Awakening

What a shitty name for a movie.

In a nutshell: This is a movie about ghosts or something, so the odds are that it will surprise you in any way are pretty weak.

Goats

I have to confess, I have a thing for goats.  Not like a sex thing, I’m not a guy with a show on TLC, I just find goats hilarious.  They strike me as nature’s little knuckleheads and they headbutt shit to solve problems, which is brilliant and admirable.  This movie may have more or less to do with goats than I am aware, but I’m confident there has to be at least one goat in it otherwise the name is just so much bullshit that I would demand a refund if I were paying to see it.

In a nutshell:  Goats, man.  Can’t go wrong with that.

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