Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: August 3rd

Last week we gave the edge over everything to Batman because of all the shite movies opening.  This week, will it be different?  To the reviews!!!

Total Recall

Remember all the times you never wished for a remake of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 1990 opus Total Recall?  Of course.  Still, if they updated the three boobed lady, that has to be cool, right?

Wrong!  Because the first one was rated R and this is PG-13 claptrap meaning the three boobed lady has three dressed boobs the entire time which makes having three boobs literally as useless as having thee boobs.  And not only that, but it’s three boobs and Colin Farrell, the ostensible fourth boob?  Is Benny the cab driver in this at least? Kuato?  A midget hooker with a machine gun?  What the hell is the point of this movie?

In a nutshell:  This is a disgrace.  But it’ll probably have the biggest opening of the week.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days

If my knowledge of children’s movies is as sound as I think it is, then this is the 3^rd movie in the Wimpy Kid series.  So that implies these movies are popular.  My knowledge of these films is limited to a recollection of a commercial for the last movie in which a fat kid danced to Ke$ha in a way that indicated the producers were expecting you, the audience, to find that funny and not awful in every way.

I saw a preview for this movie somewhere and noticed that the kid who stars in it is probably officially too old to be doing this anymore as he’s entering that monstrosity phase of his teen years in which his nose is too big and he’s too gawky and awkward to pull off a likeable youngster any more.  He probably just Haley Joel Osmented his career through no fault of his own.

In a nutshell:  If you have kids you’re going to pay to see this.  Have fun.

Celeste and Jesse Forever

What a shitty name for a movie.  Movies are one of the ultimate forms of creative expression, you build an entire, visible fantasy world for people to live in, why can’t you hire a guy who can say “hey, this name sucks nuts, here’s a better one.”  So many movies end up with shitty, uninteresting names.  Who are Celeste and Jesse?  I’m stuck in a place where I both don’t know and don’t care.  The name just don’t even make me want to download the poster so I can insert it into the article for you to look at.  In fact, after I write this, I won’t download it, so now you and I both know why this movie amongst al the others I’m writing about has whatever random image I’m going to later choose to insert in there.  Maybe it’ll be a chicken.  Let this be a lesson to filmmakers of the world, try giving your movie  names that make me want to download tor poster.

In a nutshell:  Who wants to see a movie that doesn’t even have a poster?

The Babymakers

I have more knowledge of this movie than I do of most because we posted the red band trailer for it a while back on the sight.  It’s made by those Broken Lizard cats and features a sperm bank robbery which for my money beats any trio of fully-clothed sci fi boobs you’re apt to see this weekend, hands down.

Remember Super Troopers?  Mustache rides and meow, that’s all you need to know.  You should probably see this movie.

In a nutshell:  You should probably see this movie

You’ve Been Trumped

Normally I’d mercilessly mock anything even remotely related to Donald Trump, but it’s worth noting that this movie seems to mock Donald Trump, so maybe it’s worth a look.  With any luck it’s just two hours of people making off color Donald Trump jokes, but I don’t know.  You know it can’t paint him in a complimentary light though because logically that doesn’t make any sense.  It’s Donald Trump, he’s like a turd with a toupee on.  You can’t do much with it.

In a nutshell:  Donald Trump sucks and is bad for America.