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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: July 27th

Last week Batman came out and no one even tried to compete with it, so there’s not much point even discussing it.   It was awesome, Batman is awesome, Bane is awesome, awesome is awesome.  On with this week!

The Watch

This movie is about a neighborhood watch and features ben Stiller who, in all honesty, makes one funny movies for every 5 awful movies.  Not sure where he’s at in that equation right now, but it does make this movie risky.  On the upside Jonah Hill is also in it, but on the downside it’s skinny Jonah Hill who is a creepy creeper.  But on the other upside Seth Rogen wrote it and he’s funny.  But on the downside I think he also wrote Green Hornet.  But then on the upside Will Forte is also in it, and he’s prett solid.  But on the downside every commercial I have seen for this has advertised it as a straight up comedy about douchebags forming a neighborhood watch until last week when I saw a preview that also takes the time to mention there’s aliens and this is a sci fi comedy.

If your own ad campaign can’t take the time to accurately describe a movie, it kind of indicates no one gives a shit.  Batman will beat this movie.

In a nutshell:  Yeah, Batman will beat this movie.

Step Up Revolution

I thought this was the name of a Playstation game, but I guess not.  When a movie like this comes out it makes me think of a guy who married a woman he wasn’t attracted to because he felt the effort of hunting down and wooing the woman he really wanted would take too much time and effort and probably fail.  He’s not even unhappy that this is how he lives his life, he just assumes this is as good as it will ever be and is fine with that.  Likewise, no one expects this movie to succeed in some way.  Presumably they’re just hoping it makes a few bucks more than it cost and they can all go out for a decent steak dinner and feel themselves up one on the universe, more or less.

I think this movie is a sequel to You Got Served, but I really don’t give a shit.

In a nutshell:  Blech.

Killer Joe

I wish this was the sequel to GI Joe, based on nothing more than the name, but it’s not because I read they pushed the sequel to GI Joe back a full year on account of it sucked so bad.  In fairness, could it have not sucked so bad?  It’s GI Joe.  Do you even remember what happened in the first movie?  Of course not, it had less panache than the transformers and lacked either Megan Fox or the robots to make it even mildly interesting.  It was a turd fritter that was served across screens for two hours and featured a Wayans.  A Wayans.

But yeah, this movie is probably not GI Joe.  I dunno what it is.

In a nutshell: I already made this movie more awesome than the reality could ever wish to be.

Little White Lies

I expect movie titles to be ironic or clever in some way these days, so I’m going to guess this movie is about a black couple that have a couple of white babies or something.  Do you get it?  You get it.

In a nutshell:  This is racist.


Searching for Sugar Man

The name of this movie actually makes me want to see it, it’s stupendous.  I like to think it’s one of those movies that’s just this side of pornographic but also vaguely disturbing in some way because there’s this ominous Sugar Man character in it who’s stalking virgins or something, so everyone in town is just humping like mad.  Wait, I think that was actually the plot of a movie already, maybe Cherry Falls, but my version here is better because the Sugar Man will always be cloaked in mystery – no lame masks, that’s tired and lame.  And you’ll think you know who he is for a lot of the movie and then at the end, guess what?  Totally no reveal because all reveals are lame.  It’s either the guy you knew it was since 5 minutes in, or they pull a lame switcheroo and make it either a character you never even saw before, or someone who it just doesn’t make sense to be.  Well screw that!  Me and the Sugar Man ain’t having it.

In a nutshell:  Good boys and girls have much to fear, save yourself and the Sugar Man is near.  Not bad, eh?

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