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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen: June 15th

Last week we had a dilly of a pickle to work out – would Prometheus or Madagascar take the top spot?  In the end we sided with the cartoon on a strictly volume basis – more paying customers were legally allowed to watch it.  And we were right!  I say we but I mean me, you can see my name in the byline up there.  But anyway, this just reinforces the eerie, Holy Taco movie prescience that refuses to be quelled.  So let’s see what this week has in store at the movies.  Because no other site can steer you right, just this one.

Rock of Ages

The first of two big shots for this week is Rock of Ages, one of those movies that will generate one of two reactions in viewers who see the previews – utter disbelief or a boner.  There’s a scientifically insignificant percentage of people who will also just be indifferent.  But mostly you’re either convinced that seeing Tom Cruise sing Poison songs is going to be the best thing that ever happened to film, or you get to that part where it seems to be some kind of sing off between Twisted Sister and Jefferson Starship and you want to put your foot through the TV to stop the potential from it ever happening again.

The fact that this seems mostly musical, but niche music because 80’s rock really doesn’t have as much of an appeal as people think, and it stars Tom Cruise who we’re all still well aware is insane, means this one may rise high, but will have a tough go against Adam Sandler.  But will it win?  Read on!

In a Nutshell:  Don’t bother

That’s My Boy

Adam Sandler and Andy Samberg.  This shit would make Miss Cleo lose it.  Audiences want to watch Adam Sandler.  Droves of funny people on the internet want to love Sandler again, but he’s like comedy Ike Turner.  He lures you in and then punches you in the mouth with Jack and Jill.  Or Little Nicky.  Or Spanglish.  I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.  Grown Ups.  Did you know they’re making Grown Ups 2?  No one liked the first one, no one.  Why make part two?

You see the commercials for this movie and think Andy Samberg is funny and you remember how Happy Gilmore made you laugh and you want to give this movie a chance.  That’s why this movie is going to do well this weekend, but the question is will it do well enough?  Holy Taco doesn’t sit on anyone’s fences, except for old Boo Radley’s, so we say yes.  That’s my Boy will win the box office.  However, we’re also reviewing movies here and its our recommendation you see neither this nor Rock of Ages, maybe get a friend to tell you how they were.

In a Nutshell: Don’t bother.  But it will win the box office.

Extraterrestrial

This movie was directed by a dude named Nacho.  It’s also about a dude who wakes up from a one night stand and discovers a flying saucer above the city.  I read that on Facebook like a month ago, I think.  Based solely on that, I have to give this one the thumbs up.  I think it has a limited release, so if you live in about 40 states right in the middle of the country, or anywhere that’s not America, you probably won’t get a chance to see it this weekend, but if it is playing, why not give it a chance?  Guys named Nacho need our support, otherwise we’ll only get Michael Bay movies or shit by Joel Schumacher, who’s one of history’s 5 worst humans.

In a Nutshell:  Yes!

Your Sister’s Sister

I know the following things about this movie – it stars Emily Blunt and the name is like some kind of mind puzzle to make you stop a moment to think about who it’s referring to.  It’s you, right?  Your sister’s sister is you, if you’re a girl.  Unless there are three sisters or a brother in there somewhere in which case it’s just needlessly vague and means nothing.  On the other hand, did Pootie Tang tell you a lot about the plot in the title?

Unfairly this movie makes me think of that movie The Other Sister, which I think was about Rosie O’Donnell as a mentally challenged woman on a bus.  I could be wrong because obviously I never saw that either.  Is this a sequel to that featuring Emily Blunt?  If so, kudos to the casting director for putting in more effort.

In a Nutshell:  Meh

The Tortured

For fans of horror at any cost, this movie is also coming out.  I like horror movies but I’ll probably just put on my Evil Bong DVD this weekend and skip this turd.  Near as I can tell this is a latter day Saw/Hostel entry, what the critic people call “torture porn.”  It has torture in the name!  That’s like a porno called Sex Porn.  That aside, I don’t like those kind of movies personally, not because I’m averse to gore but because, 9 out of 10 of those movies was written by a dangerously violent moron who just mastered his opposable thumbs.  Horror’s a maligned enough genre already, please put some effort into your story before you start disemboweling people with Slap Chops.  Maybe this movie has a great story and acting, but maybe Nic Cage is not insane, too.

In a Nutshell: Not really

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