Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: June 22nd

We let you down last week.  We put Rock of Ages and That’s My Boy head to head and, while acknowledging that both movies probably sucked, we gave the edge to That’s My Boy.  That movie came in 4^th.  4^th!  You probably made more money last weekend than Adam Sandler did.  Have we lost our mojo?  Are we defective in movie predictions?  No.  We were cursed by a gypsy after not giving her a bank loan.  It was a whole thing, ruined the rest of the week.  But we’re better now.  Back to the movies!

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

This is one half of the big gun combo for the weekend, squaring off against Brave.  What does it have going for it?  Beloved and deceased president of the United States Abraham Lincoln killing vampires.  This is a movie about Abraham Lincoln killing vampires.  I guarantee that sentence was all that was needed to sell this script.  To the best of my knowledge only one other movie exists that is chiefly concerned with a dead President killing monsters, and that’s about FDR and werewolves and it also sounds awesome.  Of course JFK was fighting a mummy in Bubba HoTep, but Elvis was really the star of that one.

The book that spawned this movie has inspired numerous imitators but I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that, while the founding fathers are awesome, if you made a movie featuring Gerald Ford killing zombies, or possibly Bill Clinton fighting aliens, it would be as cool if not cooler.

In a Nutshell:  This will be awesome, but with an R rating, not the winner.

Brave

This is a Pixar movie.  This could be about how Walt Disney personally hated you and every other audience member and how the money you spend to see this film will go towards the publishing of hate literature and keeping the Kardashians on TV, and it would still make millions.  People love Pixar.  Hey, remember Monsters, Inc?  Ha ha, yeah.  Monsters.

This movie is about the most Scottish girl ever, and how she was all independent in a time when such things were not allowed and probably doesn’t account for how, in this actual period of history, most girls would have been horribly beaten if they ever dreamed of defying their parents, but that’s not inspirational for kids.  All I know is I hope this movie has a funny fat character and a funny skinny character, because that’s awesome.

In a Nutshell:  It’s Pixar, so it’s probably a good story.  Plus it’ll make all the money ever.

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

Remember when Steve Carrell got famous and he was really funny and whatnot?  Yeah.  And then do you remember Dan in Real Life?  Of course you don’t, no one saw that.  But there’s also Evan Almighty, and Dinner for Schmucks and Get Smart.  Point is, don’t be surprised if this movie makes you want to choke yourself out on your popcorn because it’s terrible in every way.  And who knows, maybe it’s really awesome, but they should have put the awesome scenes in the commercials instead of the terrible ones.

Also, I’m 90% positive this movie was already made in the 1990s and it was called Last Night and David Cronenberg starred in it.  It was kind of cool.  Bit slow.  Meh.

In a Nutshell:  Meh.

To Rome with Love

This is a Woody Allen movie.

In a Nutshell: Don’t bother.

Grassroots

I saw a poster for this movie, so I guess that gives me an edge over most people, as I imagine no one else outside of film blogs has actually heard of it.  So I guess it has a limited release.  Jason Biggs stars in it, apparently as Gladstone.  Yes, I made that joke on Twitter on Wednesday, but I was writing this at the time, so it’s cool.

I guess the movie is about how Gladstone dresses like a bear to destroy the political process or something like that.  Tom Arnold stars in it too, so it’s probably the best movie you’ll see all year, it’s not like Arnold and Biggs is anything but money in the bank.

In a Nutshell:  Could be worth a watch, what else are you doing?