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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: June 29th

Last week we destroyed the psychic plane and all those who dare pretend to have precognitive abilities by again fully, completely and accurately predicting the top box office draw.  You might argue any idiot could have guessed that Pixar’s Brave would have kicked ass but to that we say – any idiot did.

This week’s new batch must bow before us, for we are mighty!  Or whatever.  I dunno.  On with the movies.

Ted

This movie is being pushed like a baby just broaching the 4th trimester.  The studio is hanging a lot on this movie and it seems likely they won’t be disappointed, providing that Snuggle bear didn’t cost them too much money.  It has Seth McFarlane’s name behind it, which means it automatically has a built in audience, but it also automatically has a group of people who probably won’t want to see it because they hate Family Guy.  Or American Dad.  Or the Cleveland Show, which I think everyone hates.

The upshot of this movie is that a foul mouthed bear is funny and the basic idea is really clever.  The downside is Mark friggin’ Walberg who’s like Hollywood’s answer to leprosy.  It’ll do alright though.

In a Nutshell: Good comedy pedigree, plus we all love teddy bears.  R rating though.  Good luck.

Magic Mike

This movie looks gross because it seems like it was seriously made to make nasty old, lonely cougars horny.  And while there’s nothing wrong with a sexually excited retiree in theory, the reality is this movie will create a darkened room full of them who all have buttery fingers and smell of nachos and Skittles.  Think about it.

In a Nutshell:  Dried up old ladies don’t have enough cash to make this a winner.  Don’t go see this.

People Like Us

What the hell is this movie about?  No one knows.  Also, where’s the emphasis in the title?  Is it People Like Us?  Or People Like Us?  Like is it about the people who like you, or people who are like you?  Because if it’s about people who are like you, this movie may be racist because the one commercial I saw but can barely remember seemed to be full of white people in plaid shirts.  Is this Nazi propaganda?  My God, in 2012?  That’s terrible.

In a Nutshell:  Racist.

Madea’s Witness Protection

Speaking of racism, here’s the 73rd Madea movie from the Tyler Perry I Don’t Give a Shit Factory.  In an odd twist, despite being written by a black man with a majority black cast, it’s still curiously racist against back people in that kicking-the-hell-out-of-black-stereotypes way that’s made Tyler Perry so successful.  Indeed, despite the fact you’ve never been able to sit through one of these movies, dude is still a millionaire.  Somehow.  This movie is going to suck.  Does it even matter what the plot is?  Does it even have one?

In a Nutshell: No sir.

Take this Waltz

This is a movie that you may have heard of by virtue of the fact Sarah Silverman and Seth Rogen are in it.  That makes it sound awesome because you love Sarah Silverman and Seth Rogen, right?  Well, maybe.  Some people do, even despite The Green Hornet and whatever movies Silverman has been a costar in since no one ever casts her in a lead role ever.

No idea what this movie is about but I think it’s a dramady, which is code for comedy that isn’t funny about half the time.  Sarah Polley directed it and god bless her, she’s an indie film girl through and through so it probably has a lot to do with awkward relationships and other shit that means you’ll be cool to see it on Demand later but meh, no need to run to the theater.

In a Nutshell: Rent it in a moment of boredom

Wait!  How is it we’ve come to the end with no decisive winner?  There is no new release winner this week, kids.  If I had to guess, I’d say Brave will take a second week running with Ted a strong second.

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