Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: May 18th

Last week we recommended you mostly ignore the movies playing and go see the Avengers again, and it looks like you did, once again proving Holy Taco has eerie, fictional-gypsy style powers of film prognostication.   We’re kind of spooky.  Sexy spooky.

This week we have a whole new crop of movies and they’re not all nearly as lazy as last week’s offerings from the looks of things.  Not that they look great, but it’s not like Dark Shadows again or anything.

Battleship

If a movie is going to topple the Avengers, this will be the one to do it.  However, we started that sentence with “if” on purpose, because this movie is not going to topple the Avengers.  Know why?  This is based on a friggin’ board game.  And, from the looks of things, no one involved in the movie ever played the board game.  So this movie is effectively based on nothing but Rihanna dressed like a boy and Liam Neeson trying to prove he can be fun even though he looks like he’d murder you for serving him wine that was 2 degrees too cool for his liking.

The previews indicate this is a film about Neeson, Rihanna and one of the vampires from True Blood fighting aliens in boats.  There was no honest way to make that sentence sound more stupid without making a fart joke.  It’s terrifying that this is a real movie and more terrifying that it’s going to make tens of millions of dollars this weekend.  Probably within a few million of the Avengers.  Let’s say both net somewhere in the mid $30 millions.  I dunno, I write internet comedy.

The Dictator

The reason Battleship won’t pull out ahead of the Avengers is this movie, Sasha Baron Cohen’s The Dictator.  For the longest time it seemed like it was being marketed like a Borat, sort of “real” footage with Cohen playing a character that would mock hicks and such.  But apparently that’s not the case, which kind of makes it seem a little more lame.  It’s just a movie that people will argue is racist about a Jewish guy playing a Muslim dictator who gets stranded in new York and fish out of water’s his way to the end.  It’s probably funny, though.  He’s a funny guy.

What to Expect When You’re Expecting

If you go see this movie you are not allowed to read this website anymore.  This literally looks like the lamest shit of a film Hollywood has crapped forth in ages.  Oh look, an ensemble cast being cute and funny, how could that not work?  Didn’t anyone watch New Years Ever?  No, no one did.

This is what Chris Rock does now, because he quit caring.  This is what Cameron Diaz always does, because she’s terrible now.  She suckered you in with like two good movies and then she ended up just being the cute blonde who becomes less and less enjoyable to watch with each passing film.  Did anyone see Bad Teacher?  Actually no, but you get the idea.

Rounding out the cast of this movie is Jennifer Lopez and Brooklyn Decker.  That sentence isn’t even worth a joke.  Go see the Avengers again.

The Samaritan

I thought they made a movie called the Samaritan a few years ago.  Or maybe I’m thinking of Die Hard with a Vengeance in which Jeremy Irons refers to Sam Jackson as the Samaritan.  And Sam Jackson is in this movie also, and that means you should watch it because Die Hard with a Vengeance was kind of cool.  Plus every Sam Jackson movie is worth watching.  Before you start arguing about the number of awful movies Sam Jackson has made, first, recognize that he’s also in the Avengers.  Second, we never said he made nothing but good movies.  But, like Christopher Walken, all of his movies are worth watching, just to see what a director wanted him in the movie for.

By and large, Sam Jackson is cast for two reasons  – his scary facial expressions and his almost artistic ability to cuss.  Often times you’ll get both.  No matter how often you see both, it’s still kind of amusing.  Go see this movie if you saw the Avengers already this week and you also saw The Dictator.

Hysteria

Knowing very little about this movie I’d make fun of it for being hat loser entry to the week’s offerings, but it’s worth noting this is about the invention of the vibrator, which is kind of awesome.  On the downside it stars Hugh Dancy and Rupert Everett, neither of whom I want to see using a vibrator.  On the other end of the chromosomal spectrum is Maggie Gyllenahall, who I also don’t want to see use a vibrator.  If you find her attractive then bully for you.

So I guess if you want to see some Englishmen fiddle with a Gyllenhaal’s undercarriage, go see this.