Explore Holy Taco

Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: May 4th

Yes, this is Silver Screen Scoop, but we talked it over with the janitorial staff in the office and no one liked that name as it really didn’t cut to the heart of the fact that we’re just reviewing movies based on what commercials made us think.  Anyway, for the May 4th weekend, we’ve got some winners for you.  Let’s review!

The Avengers

The only movie that’s going to make any money at all this weekend, the Avengers looks pretty much as awesome as a movie can look.  We’re just going to take the bold step of declaring it better than LOL.

The Avengers features Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Hulk and miscellaneous shrug characters fighting against Loki and what looks like robots or some shit.  We purposely avoided reading anything about the movie up to this point so as to be extra ignorant.

Probably the best reason you have to see this movie (which isn’t Scarlett Johansson’s boobs, because that is two reasons) is that scene in the trailer when Captain America is all “Hulk, smash!” and then the Hulk does!  Oh man, that shit is priceless.  Doesn’t explain when the Hulk learned to not be totally enraged and insane all the time, but maybe there’s a few minutes at the beginning of the movie when they explain that.  Who cares?  Stop nitpicking.

Mother’s Day

I thought this was going to be a movie starring Debra Winger and Hector Elizondo, but apparently it’s a remake of a Troma horror film.  Troma are known for making feature length films on a budget of change they found in a couch with actors also found in the same couch.

Remaking a Troma film with a budget is like getting an executive chef to make you mac and cheese with weiner slices in it.  Something just ain’t right.  But maybe it’s also awesome because, if you can actually sit through a Troma film (and a lot are really hard to watch) then sometimes they’re kind of awesome.

Having never seen the original Mother’s Day, I have no idea if it’s a good story.  I do know, however, that every other movie based on a day I have ever seen sucked.  Valentine’s Day?  Sucked.  New Years Eve?  Sucked.  Arbor Day Massacre?  Surprisingly good, but I may have made that one up.

I guess what I’m saying is, go see the Avengers.  But if your house burnt down, then maybe you’ll have time to go see this one, too.

LOL

There’s obviously no reason to see this movie.  I’m on the page right now where I can click a button and watch the trailer, but I won’t.  And it’s not because Miley Cyrus is in it, it’s not because the only other movie the director has ever directed was the same damn movie when he made it in France three years ago.  It’s because it’s called LOL.  I don’t type that.  If you type it, you shouldn’t.  No one ever laughs out loud when they type that, and if you do, I don’t care. No one cares.  Do you type when you fart?  When you sneeze?  When you pick your teeth?  No?  Huh.

God, even the poster sucks.

The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

This sounds like Engrish to me, like it was read off of a bad Chinese menu and what it really means is “orange Julius” but they messed up on their translation.  The cast is all old, British actors.  A lot of good actors, don’t get me wrong, Bill Nighy is great, Tom Wilkinson and Maggie Smith as well, and I think we’d all throw a shot into Judy Dench.  But put them all in a movie and man, time to fall asleep in the popcorn.

I’m going to assume this is a movie about old British people having affairs in a hotel; lots of slow, awkward, rubbery sex that includes surprised and annoyed noises rather than dirty talk, and if you were in the room it would smell like equal parts ass and shortbread.  So maybe see this after Mother’s Day, if your house is still burnt down.

A Little Bit of Heaven

I’m told this movie is a drama/romance/comedy, or a dromedary.  That joke was kind of funny, and probably much funnier than this entire movie thanks to the fact it stars Kate Hudson.  I honestly don’t think anyone likes Kate Hudson, and I’m willing to include Goldie Hawn in that sweeping generalization.

Rotten Tomatoes tells me Peter Dinklage is in this movie and he’s recently taken over Warwick Davis’ crown as the most awesome little person in film today, thanks to his work on Game of Thrones. But every actor makes a shit choice now and then, and I’m going to assume that Dinklage took this role because it didn’t involve dressing as an Oompa Loompa or one of Santa’s Elves.

Even if your home burnt down, go roast weenies over it or something.  Don’t watch this.

0 Responses to "Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: May 4th"