Last week no one went to see any movies except for The Master. That’s cool, I figured it’d do OK because I have amazing skills of prognostication. This week things are opening up more and it’ll be a close call, man. Just you wait!
Finally we’re getting around to remaking Stallone movies and Judge Dredd is the first choice. Next month it’s Stop or My Mom Will Shoot and then Over the Top for the trifecta of kickassery. Anyway, if my knowledge of the Stallone movie is any guide, this movie is about a dystopian future full of asshole cops who mete out justice on the streets. In the comic book Dredd sort of wasn’t even a hero, more of a villain since he just followed the letter of the law all the time in an oppressive, shithole of a future megacity with no room for humanity. It was a bit satirical. I assume in this movie, just like the last one, he’s more of a stalwart hero and champion of justice, which is lame but predictable because no one likes movies about Nazi-style cops.
In a nutshell: I dunno, it’s that horselord fella from Rohan, and probably lots of people get shot. Seems legit.
House at the End of the Street
At first I thought this was like a Last House on the Left or I Spit on your Grave sort of thing, based solely on the amount of syllables in the name. Now I guess after seeing a few commercials it’s just a shitty haunted house type movie? Meh. Could you possibly muster up the shits to give about another haunted house movie? Just condemn the houses, man. Plow them under, make them haunted Jiffy Lubes.
Ad campaigns have a way of being deceptive with horror movies though and it’s just as likely there’s no ghost or monster in this movie at all and it’s actually about the personal turmoil of IBS. I doubt Ill watch it to find out the truth.
In a nutshell: See you on Netflix.
End of Watch
Just not a clue about this. I think Gyllenhall is in it. I liked him in Donnie Darko and then every movie he’s made since has been slightly more unpleasant. Like he’s just a little bit more of a dick each time you see him. Is that just me?
In a nutshell: The poster says the guy who directed Training Day made this. Was Training Day popular enough to be name dropped like that? Did Denzel win an Oscar for that? Why am I referring to actors by single names?
Trouble with the Curve
This is Clint Eastwood’s new movie, so expect most reviews to make a joke about him talking to a chair. I won’t do that because it’s old and busted and because Eastwood could support the resurrection of Pol Pot for President and he’d still be a hell of an actor and a bad ass senior citizen. I’m sure he could beat me to death right now and he’s like 100.
That said, wouldn’t it be awesome if the name of this movie was a direct reference to penises? God, I hope it is. There’s literally no way it is, but it would really make my week if it turned out to be.
In a nutshell: Aside from Bridges of Madison County you can generally count on Clint Eastwood to do some cool shit. This will be big, especially with your mom. But did I say that because I think it’s about Clint Eastwood’s gonzo curved weiner??
The Perks of Being a Wallflower
This movie stars Emma Watson, who nerds and the depraved know as Hermione Granger from Harry Potter. I have no idea how she managed to transition from nerdy, know-it-all wizard to boy hair cutted supermodel sex icon but it happened like the day after the last Harry Potter came out and I’ve never understood it. First and foremost because I don’t find her attractive – which isn’t to say I think she’s gross or you can’t be attracted to her, I just literally have no feelings of attraction at all. She’s like a book to me, it’s completely non sexual. But whatever, some people are into that. The other thing is, come on. She’s gil Harry Potter, she’s not the black sheep of the Royal Family working the runways of Milan and doing coke on yachts with bohemian artists. I think. I once saw her fight a troll in a bathroom.
In a nutshell: No idea what this is about, but it’s an indie movie and probably isn’t even playing in your town.