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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: September 28th

I never made it to the movies last week but I assume everything I predicted was correct.  There sure are a bounty of sucktastic films out there.  This week it’s obvious what the big winner is going to be but let’s pretend anyway.

Looper

Tommy from 3rd Rock from the Sun got super famous a couple of years ago because of Inception I guess?  I dunno, now he’s Batman and whatnot and a bike messenger and everyone loves him even though his spot hosting SNL kind of sucked.

This movie is about Tommy killing Bruce Willis in the future or something.  Or maybe Bruce Willis comes back in time to kill Brad Pitt and some monkeys, I’m not sure.  I hope at the end we find out John Lithgow was masterminding the whole thing and then French Stewart gets killed by someone.

In a nutshell:  This movie will do OK because people like Bruce Willis and time.

Hotel Transylvania

This will probably be the biggest movie this week because people let Adam Sandler get away with damn near anything.  On the other hand, this actually looks like it will be entertaining because it’s not really an Adam Sandler movie.  It’s not like he’s responsible for the content, or he’s letting Rob Schneider join in.  Because screw those guys.

Anyway, I think this is about cartoon Dracula installing toilet cams in a hotel.   Seems a bit austere for children, but I’m no Hollywood executive.

In a nutshell:  Everyone will go see this and either love it or lament how it’s not Pixar because Pixar is the cartoon version of a blowjob.

Won’t Back Down

I hate this movie already for two reasons.  The first is that I find Maggie Gyllenhaal very offputting.  The second is the awkward sentence fragment they chose as a title.  On the one hand it makes me think of that Tom Petty song and on the other hand it just sounds wrong. It hits the ear in an awkward manner is what I’m saying.

In a nutshell:  You take your misnamed movie and shove it.

Pitch Perfect

I think I saw a commercial for this but no promises. I’m pretty sure Rebel Wilson is in it and she’s funny, plus Elizabeth Banks.  I like her because of her awesome roles in both Zack and Miri Make a Porno and the 40 Year Old Virgin.  Yeah she’s done other stuff but she was pretty dirty in both of those and it’s stuck in my head ever since.  Like maybe if we met, she’d say nasty things to me just because.

You know what I did not care for?  The Hunger Games.  Overrated, I felt.

In a nutshell:  I think this is about singing. Like maybe Glee?  I dunno.

Solomon Kane

I picked this movie solely for the name.  It sounds serious but lazy.  This is the name a screenwriter makes up when they grew up reading awful paperback fantasy novels and they want a cool hero.  Solomon Kane, ooh, he’s tough. No he’s not, he’s got a lame ass name.  I have no idea what this movie is about at all and I don’t care to know because the name is so uninspired there’s no way it could be good.  It’ll be a bunch of teenaged hackneyed “cool” shit, like Michael Bay with a lower budget.

In a nutshell:  Wait for the sequel Lance Strongkick and the spin off Drake Firebrand, coming soon to a virgin’s diary near you.

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