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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: Special Suck Edition

I looked at everything that opened this week and it sucks hard.  Like super hard.  Instead of reviewing all these movies that no one is going to see because of how shitty they are I am now going to review Holiday Movies I Have Seen but that No One Else Should See.  Enjoy!

Jingle all the Way

I am not hating on this movie because of Arnold Schwarzenegger who is routinely awesome in all bad movies – for instance Junior.  He plays a pregnant man in Junior.  Name another actor who could have pulled that off.  No one.  NO ONE!   I am hating this movie for two reasons.  One is Sinbad.  Has anyone ever, anywhere, requested to see Sinbad?  Is he really a stand up comedian or a guy who comes to your house to try to eat your snacks and distract you with bothersome banter that may or may not be jokes?  Sinbad is funny in the way old meat is funny.  Like you need to ask people if they think it’s funny, and then you’re still not sure so you have to go with your gut and hop you don’t get the shits.

Oh, the other thing I hate is the awful story.  Don’t see this movie.

Santa with Muscles

When you can’t afford Schwarzenegger but you still don’t care to make a good movie, call on Hulk Hogan.  Did you see his sex tape?  My God.  I always wondered if maybe I was doing stuff wrong in the bedroom.  Porno is no good yard stick to measure real sexual encounters by and my friends keep calling the police when I try to wait in their closets to watch them, so I rarely see real people having sex.  But now that I’ve seen Hogan go to town I appreciate how awesome I must be at sex and, in particular, erotic bedroom banter.  I have never once talked about eating like a pig in the bedroom.  Check and mate.

Don’t see this movie.

Prancer

I see what you did here, Hollywood.  You failed.  You thought you’d be all subversive and make a film about one of those under appreciated reindeer instead of that priggish showboat Rudolph.  Do you know why Rudolph gets all the attention?  Because the rest of the reindeer are all silly, personality-free ruminants.  No one gives a shit about Prancer.  You know how I know that? Because when I was a kid I saw the movie Prancer and shits were not being given.  If anything shits were owed.  But they weren’t paid because Prancer sucks.

Don’t see this movie.

8 Crazy Nights

Too many people have already fallen victim to this Adam Sandler turd cutter but in case you haven’t and in case your brain doesn’t work and you still think “Oh cool, Adam Sandler” you need to know that no, not cool.  This movie is so awful the animation itself is awkward and hard to watch.  The animation, devoid of context, is just creepy.  That’s a bad sign from a cartoon.  Then when you give it context it sucks because it’s Adam Sandler doing his damn voices.

Home Alone 4

Did you know they made Home Alone 4?  I saw it on TV last year.  French Stewart stars in it as the character Joe Pesci played in the original.  I don’t even know who the hell conceived this shit dollop but he needs his ass fired.  Doesn’t even matter where he is or what he does right now, he needs to be fired.  Every year at Christmas the man who conceived of this film needs to be fired from whatever job he does.

This was a made for TV film that starred French Stewart.  I really can’t say anything more.  Don’t see this movie.

Silent Night Deadly Night 2

Every alt kid and art student loves the idea of a Christmas horror movie because it’s so rebellious and different.  It subverts the sweet, innocent nature of Christmas and all those hipster counter culture types love that.  Except for how this movie is asstacular in every way and may be like 40% footage from the first movie which wasn’t particularly good either.

You want to see Christmas horror?  See Santa’s Slay.  Santa is played by wrestler Bill Goldberg and I think James Caan gets murdered with a turkey drumkstick.  It’s like a feast for the senses.  Or watch jack Frost (the horror movie, not the shitty Michael Keaton movie) in which Shannon Elizabeth gets humped to death by an evil snowman.  Now that’s good filmmaking.

Don’t see this movie.

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