Last week was a bunch of burgled turds, let’s be honest. The best offering was a movie about a bike messenger. Come on. This week is…well. It’s a different week, so, you know, that’s something. And maybe all of these movies are equally the best movies ever. Wouldn’t that be something? It sure would.
Eat so much shit, movie that I know eats shit. First of all, this is another in a long history of crap ass crap “based on a true story.” Why is this shit marketed that way. Listen kids, you and I both know this is not based on a true story and do you know why we know it? Because it’s a goddamn horror movie about possession and nothing in the history of ever has ever even given an ounce of credence to the possibility of possession even being remotely a real thing. So eat a pound of ass meat for even suggesting this is real.
Also screw you for that scene in the commercial when the girl shines a flashlight in her own mouth, her own goddamn mouth, and two fingers creep up her throat. Oh my god. That’s where we’re at now? That spot? It wasn’t enough in the Grudge to have a hand in the hair, or under the covers with you, or wherever hands and faces have popped up in physics defying ways since the mid 90s, now it’s in your mouth? Ugh.
In a nutshell: Screw off.
For a Good Time, Call
I’ve never heard of this movie. I assume it’s a sex comedy because that’s such a sex comedy name. It’s like no one tried. I guess Seth Rogen is also in it, but he’s in about 1 in 5 comedies now so I have no idea if it’s even worth mentioning that. The poster makes me think of a Rock Hudson movie and I think he died of AIDS, so if that’s where this movie is going they should have changed the name, because that’s not really anyone’s idea of a good time, is it?
In a nutshell: I dunno. You want a sandwich or something?
The Tall Man
As far as I know, the Tall Man was the bad guy from the Phantasm movies, but I don’t think Don Coscarelli has anything to do with this winner. However, Jessica Biel is in this movie and I literally want to hug her ass. Just her ass, I won’t impose on the rest of her. I would take it to a movie. Not this movie, but some movie.
My guess is this will be a horror movie like about a million other horror movies however it does feature Jessica Biel which makes it superior to that other turd nugget I mentioned up there.
In a nutshell: Jessica Biel
The Good Doctor
This movie is either going to be kind of a dull melodrama about someone who very well may be an actually good doctor, or someone who is just a shitty doctor and the title is ironic. Let me go look at the poster while you go fix a drink for yourself. Make it something a little nasty, you’ve earned it.
It looks like Orlando Bloom just pooped himself and is deathly afraid the girl behind him is about to notice. But not in a funny way, if you can believe that, so this clearly isn’t a comedy. It looks like some sort of Little Miss Sunshine level drama. Maybe Orlando has penis cancer. I literally have no idea what I’m talking about at this point.
In a nutshell: Well, what are your thoughts on Orlando Bloom scat?
The Baytown Disco
This makes me think of the Bay City Rollers, who I believe were Scottish and were famous for that one song about Saturday Night. Not the one about fighting, or dancing (that was Elton John and Whigfield, respectively. I minored in Saturday night songs in college), just the one about it being Saturday night. It was a no frills celebration of a day of the week.
The poster appears to be a Confederate flag made of shotgun shells and two actual shotguns, so I assume this is one violent ass disco we’re attending. And Billy Bob Thornton is in it, so probably he’s a redneck fella with a penchant for violence. Seems like it could be good.
In a nutshell: The Confederacy ended in 1865, why do people still use that flag? Oh well, could be a good movie.