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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: Dec 28th

This is it, this is the end of 2012.  What cinematic gems does this week hold, what final messages shall we carry onto a new yea as arbitrarily determined by calendar makers some years ago?  This shit!

Promised Land

This is Matt Damon’s new movie.  So maybe he’s Jason Bourne? Or Good Will Hunting?  I don’t know.  Matt Damon for me is like vanilla pudding that’s been on the table for an hour.  It’s tepid and bland and so much like a shrug it’s hard to care about it in any way at all.  You don’t hate the pudding, because who hates pudding?  And sometimes, sometimes, you even like the pudding.  But just sometimes.  But the rest of the time you just don’t care.

Allegiance

I had to read about this movie because obviously no one knows anything about it.  It stars Aidan Quinn and Bow Wow.  It’s like a dare.  I dare you to watch his movie starring Aidan Quinn and Bow Wow?  Wait, Bow Wow?  Like the sound we pretend dogs make when talking to babies?  That sound?  Yes, let me get my jumbo popcorn and sit right down to see this.

I stopped reading what this film was about right at the cast.

Nothing

Since everything opened on Christmas, nothing else opens on Friday this week and that means I have nothing else to write about, as though Hollywood hates me and wants me to fail.  Thanks, Weinstein Brothers, and Michael Bay, and the guy who directed Mac and Me.  Thanks for conspiring to ruin a fledgling internet comedian who just wants to judge films, sight unseen, often in ways that don’t even reference the film at all.

Now, because of the careless, thoughtless and assful behavior of the liberal elite in Hollywood and the lesser known but no less worthless douche hammocks of Toronto and Vancouver, not to mention the twat hammers in New York, I’m just randomly pairing up obscenities and nouns out of frustration because no other movies opened.  Thanks, dink cuffs.

Since I’m here, I’ll also get pissy about how John Dies at the End is still not available for viewing where I live.  Listen, scrot farmers, David Wong wrote a fine book, Don Coscaraelli I’m sure made a fine film, just let me watch the goddamn thing.  It’s the season of giving you dirty pucker pipers.   Give me my damn movie.

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