Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: Feb 1st

January is finally over and with it, all bad movies.  Ha ha!  No, of course not, every week is bad movies with like three good ones a month.  It’s a crap shoot.  Which one is worth seeing?  It’s hard to tell, especially if you guy by what I write since the whole basis of this is that I have no clue what the hell I’m talking about.

Warm Bodies

This was originally shot into the ether with the selling point that it was like Twilight with zombies.  What a terrible way to attempt to sell anything.  I appreciate  that Twilight is popular and made a lot of money but that doesn’t change the fact it is artistically devoid of merit in every way and is a soulless abomination unto the world.  Just because something is popular doesn’t make it good.  Killing Jews used to be popular in Germany.

Anyway, the commercials for this movie thankfully make it look not nearly as awful as it was originally described.  Like I would watch the movie based on the commercials, maybe.  Maybe I wouldn’t pay to see it, but for sure I’d watch.  John Malkovich is in it, how bad can it be?

Bullet to the Head

Did you know Sylvester Stallone is actually just a wood carving?  They swapped him out just after Rocky 4.  Anyway, in his latest testament to veiny wooden violence, he’s in the Expendables 3 spin off that features just him and Conan.  Not Schwarzenegger Conan, Khal Drogo Conan.  I think in real life Khal Drogo would thump a mud pit into Grampa Rambo but what do I know?  Not that Stallone isn’t a huge man or anything.  Like I said, he’s made of wood.  I’m sure he could murder me with one hand.  My relatives would sue though and then we’d own the massive Stallone fortune.  Ha ha!  Sucka.

Stand up Guys

I have no idea what this is.  Christopher Walken is in it but as I’ve stated before, I could say that about 50% of movies.  Will that make it good?  Eh.

Haunting in Connecticut 2

What the hell is Haunting in Connecticut?  No offense but I missed that one because the name was just super awful.  Connecticut?  Is that better or worse than Delaware?  The use of a state name is pretty weak, I can’t support it.  Makes me think of rich, white people inconvenienced b the ghost of their gardener.  And now it has a sequel, so I guess the maid died, too.

Girls Against Boys

The porn parody of this is going to be terrible, I have to assume.  If this were a comedy, and maybe it is, it could be hilarious because it could just be children forced into life or death scenarios that no one is adequately equipped for in a way that exploits gender differences.  Like whoever can pee the farthest wins and the loser receives eclectic shocks or something.  And then later whoever can point to their ovary wins and the loser gets attacked by badgers.  Admittedly it sounds terrible as a film now that I’ve written it out so it’s probably best that it’s not even my idea..  It could also be a documentary about the band.