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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: Feb. 22nd

Last week, Bruce Willis fisted the competition into submission just as we all knew he would.  You could film Bruce Willis trying different brands of spray-on hair for two hours, call it Die Hard and a Side of Flap Jacks and it’d still be number one the week it opened.  This week it looks like most film studios didn’t give a shit and they’re willing to bend over for the Rock.  Let’s look.

Snitch

As I understand it, snitches get stitches.  Or possibly snitches are bitches.  Maybe snitches dig ditches, what am I, a linguist?  The point is this is a movie starring the Rock and I feel like no one ever tries to give the Rock a real role ever.  They just want him to be the Rock on camera.  Smile and do that eye brow thing, then pile drive someone.  But!  Susan Sarandon is also in this movie and I can’t stress this enough, I would date her so hard.  I WILL DATE SUSAN SARANDON SO HARD!  Did I ever tell you about the time she rejected me on Twitter?  It happened.

Dark Skies

I laugh every time I see the commercial for this movie and I don’t think that’s what the producers were going for.  Felicity is all “I lost six hours today!” and then some dude asks “have you noticed any weird animal behavior?” and then like a whole goddamn flock of sparrows bounce off the kitchen window and, I dunno, it just makes me laugh.

Stand Off

Who the hell has heard of this speckled turd?  Brendan Frasier stars in it so this is basically him waving goodbye to theaters before he jumps into the straight to DVD marketplace  Look at the name.  Stand Off.  Didn’t Cuba Gooding Jr star in 5 movies named Stand Off already?

Inescapable

You know who stars in this?  The doctor from Star Trek: Deep Space 9.  Isn’t that weird?  He’s a real guy.  His name is Alexander Siddig but, if you’re a nerd, you may remember that for a few seasons of Star Trek he was billed as Siddig El-Fadil.  I’m forced to assume he felt too foreign with that name and went all Anglo for some reason, even though on the show he just seemed to be an uptight Brit and you wouldn’t have guessed he wasn’t a forgettable white guy.  I Googled him and I shit you not, this is his actual full name -Siddig El Tahir El Fadil El Siddig Abderrahman Mohammed Ahmed Abdel Karim El Mahdi.  Now forgive me, I don’t have a ton of Sudanese friends, is that normal?  Like that many names?  How do you decide what name to use there?

Also of note, he has a son named Django who was born in 1996, making him awesome because he’s not a knock off.  I take back any negative thoughts I had about this movie, it is now awesome due to everything I have just typed.

Bless Me, Ultima

Did you ever play Final Fantasy?  I feel this movie has nothing to do with Ultima Weapon from Final Fantasy.  Or for the game Ultima, for that matter.

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