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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Feb 8th

Oh man, remember last week?  There was a zombie movie and a Stallone movie and they weren’t the same thing. I have nothing else to say about that.  This week is what we in the industry call “a mixed bag” and by bag I obviously mean nutsack.  Let’s get to it!

Top Gun 3D

I’m conflicted about what to say here.  Of course I have seen Top Gun already and of course it’s one of the best movies of all time and if you think of arguing with that you can fold up your computer right now, put it in your duffel bag and move to Shit Island with the rest of the people who are shitty because that’s where you go.  You go there.  GO!!

Now, for the rest of us, Top Gun is a fantastic film even with all the homoeroticism taking away from the action and the poor casting of Kelly McGillis as a woman.  But did it need to be released to theaters in Imax 3D in 2013?  Does it make Tom Cruise less insane or Val Kilmer less rotund?  I’m going to say probably not.  But you can still be my wingman anytime.

Identify Thief

I like Jason Bateman because, as anyone with sense would, I really like Arrested Development.  But I’ve noticed Bateman is kind of a Michael Cera these days, playing basically the same guy in everything he does.  He’s Michael Bluth all the time, this affable guy who sort of gets the shit end of the stick until the story ends and then things work out mostly OK for him.  Will this movie be different?  I suspect no.  Not at all.

Melissa McCarthy is also in this movie.  Remember how she was funny in Bridesmaids?  Word.   Remember how her cousin is Jenny McCarthy?  That’s a shame.

Side Effects

I have no idea what this movie is about.  One commercial made it look like a horror movie and then others make it look like some kind of thriller/drama thing that your parents would watch.  I have no idea what to think.  Except that Rooney Mara is in it and I just hate her name,  I hate it so much.  She was great in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo but God, that name.  It’s terrible.  Rooney?  Rooney? It’s not even her first name, she has a real girl’s name.  Rooney makes everyone think of Mickey Rooney.  Can you imagine a scenario in which you’d want to be associated, as a woman, with Mickey Rooney?  He’s like anti-estrogen.  He was the opposite of vagina.

Terrible names for girls aside, this movie has done a fine job of advertising itself based on no info at all.  On the chance that I’d get to see either Channing Tatum or Jude Law get their asses kicked, I’d go see it.

Spiders

Never heard of this movie, have you?  Yeah, there are probably people on the crew who don’t remember making this one.  It apparently is getting a theatrical release though, even if it’s just one theater, so I can legitimately write about it.

Surprisingly, this movie is about spiders. Zing!  Not just any spiders, it’s about mutant Soviet spiders.  For those keeping track in history class, the Soviet Union dissolved in 1991.  The average life span of a spider is about a year, but some can live over two years.  I don’t know how much oxygen a mutant spider needs to survive but I feel like perhaps all the air in a defunct space station from 22+ years ago, not to mention he food, would probably be long gone by now.  But all of that presupposes you feel there’s any need to even bother trying to criticize a movie about giant spiders.

The Sorcerer and the White Snake

This is another Jet Li movie, remember him?  He makes 100 movies a year in China as far as I can tell, and then we import one or two over here.  I like to think this movie is about Li kung fuing the shit out of a snake and maybe tossing the odd hadouken at it since he may or may not be a sorcerer.  Did I just muddy Chinese witchcraft with Japanese video game martial arts?  You bet I did.

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