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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Jan 11th

Naturally I didn’t want a single movie that came out last week because they were all abhorrent in some way.  This week looks less awful, but there’s a lot opening in limited release that looks extra awful to make up for it.  I’m starting to think maybe Hollywood has a weekly quote of awful that needs to be managed.  Oh well, on with the show.

Gangster Squad

This movie has a good name even if the movie itself sucks.  How would I know?  But the name is petty boss.  People like gangsters and squad makes it sound like a cool team.  It’s like superhero gangsters or something.

Gangsters are always a good subject for movies because everyone looks awesome in gangster movies.  The mob know fashion.  Plus Emma Stone is in this movie and I would date her.  Hopefully she doesn’t have to touch Sean Penn ever.  He seems offputting to me.

Zero Dark Thirty

I thought this movie came out weeks ago but I guess it was just preview screenings everyone was talking about.  It makes no sense that I thought this movie came out weeks ago since I write a weekly column about new movies, but let’s not get into the logistics of how my brain works.  Anyway, this movie is about the hunt for Osama bin Laden but honestly, the only thing that interested me about this movie from the first time I heard about it was the name.  It sounds cool and mysterious, what the hell is a Zero Dark Thirty?  I thought maybe this was a horror movie at first but then I learned it’s the war thing and then I leaned Zero Dark Thirty just means 12:30 am and the whole thing fell apart.  I hear it’s awesome, but man, the coolness factor just vanished like a fart in a windstorm.

A Haunted House

So this movie was neither directed by a Wayans or by Friedberg and Setzer, the idiots behind every terrible parody film in the last decade.  It’s just by some dude, I guess.  It does star a Wayans, though.  But it’s not Scary Movie 7 or whatever.  It’s just plop.  Plop is, amongst all words, the best word to describe what this film seems to be.  Actually the sound typically associated with plop moreso than the word plop itself.  So like, you could ask someone what movie they were going to see and instead of saying “A Haunted House” they would just drop pudding on the floor and we would all smile knowingly.

The Baytown Outlaws

Neither you nor I know anything about this movie.  I like to think it’s about how the Bay City Rollers went bad.  Remember the Bay City Rollers?  Of course you don’t unless you’re 40 or so.  I can’t even remember why I know about them, other than I do have a soft spot for terrible music.  Look here!

So yeah, let’s hope this is a movie about how those guys became outlaws.  God, that’d be awesome.

Horrid Henry: The Movie

I saw this on Rotten Tomatoes and had to include it because you can tell just from the name alone that this movie sucks so bad even the people involved couldn’t give a shit.  They barely bothered to name the thing.  Do you know what it’s about?  Of course not.  I contend it’s not about anything.  It’s so bad, and so lazy, it’s just random lights and sounds for 90 minutes and no one will care and remember to even try to tell me I’m wrong because why would anyone even bother?

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