Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Jan 18th

It’s a new week and new contenders for the throne have reared their ugly heads.  Who’s currently on the throne?  Zero Dark Thirty, I think.  I could look but what am I, a looker?  Pfft.

Mama

You want to know what Mama is about?  Look at this;

The movie is based on this.  3 minutes of rehashed FX from Japanese horror movies that came out in the 1990s.  I’ll still watch it.

The Last Stand

Arnold Schwarzenegger stars as his mother in this action comedy that also features I don’t know.  I think I saw Johnny Knoxville in a commercial.  I’m gonna be honest and admit that I have always liked Arnold Schwarzenegger, even that time he made nothing but terrible movies for like 15 years in a row.  I like him because of the Terminator, Conan, Predator and Twins.  Those movies alone (only the first 2 Terminators) make him an enduring source of awesome.  Plus I also enjoyed Commando, Red Heat and the Running Man.  Then 1993 hit and screw everything that happened afterwards.

Broken City

Mark Wahlberg and Russell Crowe are finally together in a movie about whatever.  Were you aware that Mark Wahlberg owns a burger joint called Wahlbugers? Here’s a review from Yelp;

Whoa, vinegar buns?  Yeah, not going to see this movie.

Luv

Danny Glover is in this movie so I’m going to speculate he’s getting to old for whatever shit this is about.

Hors Satan

I chose to include this movie because it has an awesome name. It’s like an illiterate person trying to insult someone.  “Hors Satan! You suck on dong of devil, eh?  Tramp!”  I therefore choose to believe this movie is about a simple country girl who is hated by the traditional elders in her town and she is accused of putting out for Old Scratch. Good stuff.