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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Jan 25th

It’s a brand new week at the ass end of January where few people try hard when it comes to films.  Is that unfair?  Not really.  On the upside there’s a movie I actually want to see coming out this week.  In limited release.  Listen, limited release, you can suck a fart bag.  No one likes limited release.  Go hard or go home, cowards.

Hansel and Gretel

The following comes from Rotten Tomatoes, because I have nothing to say about this movie.

Two men who have made a career out of spinning remarkable stories find themselves bringing them to life in this inventive fantasy inspired by the creators of some of the world’s best-loved fairy tales. Will Grimm (Matt Damon) and his brother Jake Grimm (Heath Ledger) earn their living by traveling from village to village and vanquishing strange supernatural beasts that have been menacing the populace. Or at least that’s what their clients think has been happening; as it happens, Will and Jake are confidence men who cleverly stage the ghostly attacks and then take payment for making the creatures they fabricated go away. One day, the brothers arrive in a town and offer to help its people drive away evil spirits, unaware that the community is bordered by a genuine enchanted forest, and that young girls in the village have been disappearing at a frightful rate. The Grimm Brothers must now learn how to deal with real magic, with the help of the lovely but fearless Angelika (Lena Headey).

Movie 43

We’ve all seen the commercials for this movie and no one has a clue what it’s about.  But we all feel, on some basic level, that this movie cannot possibly be good.  It looks like Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg exploded.  It has an amazing cast, but it also has 12 directors and as many writers.  It’s like a sketch comedy.  It’s SNL the movie.  Would you watch SNL the movie?

Parker

Jason Statham is Jason Statham in a Jason Statham film about Jason Statham.  Can Jason Statham Jason Statham his way to the Jason Statham in time to save the day?  And Jason Statham?  Only one way to find out.  Bald!  Kick!  Gritty!  Statham!

John Dies at the End

Based on the book written by my former sorta boss David Wong, John Dies at the End has been available On Demand for about a month now.  Unless you’re outside the US and then you have no way to see it.  No goddamn way!  So you wait to hear about a distribution deal while the movie gets sent to theaters in the country where you can already see it On Demand.  Come on!  Come on!

So anyway I’d really like to see this flick.

Race 2

Remember Race part 1?  Yeah, no.

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