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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: Jan 4th

It’s 2013 so finally we get to reset our “worst movie of the year” lists and see what Hollywood has in store.  Will the very first Friday of 2013 start off with a bang?  Ha ha, what are you, new here?  If there’s a single week this year that features nothing but good movies, I will make out with Gary Busey (if I can catch him).  On to the reviews!

Texas Chainsaw

I’ve said this once and I will continue to say it – “Massacre” was a very important word in the title of the original film.  Arguably it was the most important word, followed closely by chainsaw.  Look “Chainsaw Massacre” tells you want you’re getting into.  The word Texas is superfluous.  “Texas Chainsaw” sounds like a sex position.  Oh man, I met this filthy chick at the bar, she totally gave me a Texas Chainsaw.  I haven’t been able to sit right all day.

Naming problems aside, who cares?  Is there anyone who wants to see this who is going to like it?  It’s exactly the same as the last one which was exactly the same as the first one which was exactly the same as I think one sequel.  The others were just ridiculous.  Did you see that one with the aliens and stuff?  What the hell was that?

I guess what I’m saying is that, even in 3D, an overweight guy can only run so far swinging a chainsaw before you’ve been there and done that too many times before.

A Dark Truth

“Who can we get to star in our movie?  Andy Garcia?  Oh well, forget it then.” That’s how this movie should have started, but it didn’t.  Instead we went down a weird, parallel universe sort of path wherein someone was all “Andy Garcia?  Sure!” and now this happened.  Is this movie really getting a theatrical release?  I bet if you go to the movies this weekend, most of you will not see this as an option.

I’m not sure what this is about (I probably never need to type that sentence any more, of course I don’t know what this movie is about.  I bet Andy Garcia doesn’t know what this movie is about.)  I think Forrest Whitaker is in the movie also though, so maybe part of the plot revolves around a guy looking off in weird directions.


I think a movie named Crawlspace already exists.  In fact, I’m going to Google it right now.  Research mode: activate!  Oh man, it was a movie starring Klaus Kinski!  I knew it.  That movie, according to the IMDB, was about the demented son of a Nazi surgeon.  Makes sense to me.

This new movie is about probably something else.  I think it’s a military research facility type of movie, so probably it’ll be like every other one of those when something went terribly wrong in a way no one knows about because they never manage to explain what’s happening in these movies, and then they send in a special forces team with no info because why bother informing people of what they’re heading into if you’re serious about fixing the problem?  And then most of the people sent in will die and maybe one of them plus whatever survivor they meet inside (there’s always a survivor inside, like Alice in Resident Evil, or Newt in Aliens) will make it to the end of the movie when it seems like everything is OK, but everything isn’t OK is it?  Maybe, depends if we can afford a sequel!

56 Up

Apparently this movie is from a series of documentaries following the same 14 people throughout their lives.  I have no idea why though and, of course, I have no plans to learn.  I have a love/hate relationship with documentaries in that the few I’ve enjoyed have been buried beneath a sea of ones I was bored by or outright hated.  I don’t know why so many documentaries suck, but they do.  It’s easily and I would argue objectively the worst film genre simply due to the laziness of so many filmmakers.  Because the film is “real” it seems like most people don’t give a shit what they film.  But we all live reality every day so stop making it suck, filmmakers.  But some effort in.  Learn from the people who have actually made entertaining documentaries that mainstream audiences enjoyed and stop filming boring shit that makes people turn off PBS.


How does a James Remar movie get a theatrical release?  Do you know who James Remar is?  The only reason I know who James Remar is is because I also know who Billy Drago is, and Christopher Lambert, and Casper van Dien, and Brad Dourif, and Michael Ironside, and Clancy Brown, and Lance Henrikson, and Keith David (and David Keith), and William Sadler, and Robert Davi and about 100 other guys who routinely make bad movies.  And because I know all these guys I question how James Remar got a movie that merits a theatrical release.  Is it because he was on Dexter?  Is that it?  Are we forgiving him his past because of Showtime?  Well I got news for you, James Remar has literally been on every TV show filmed since 1990.

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