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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: March 22nd

I honestly never remember what I wrote about the week before without looking and this week I refused to check.  I think last week Oz won again even though it opened the week before.  Oh, Burt Wonderstone opened last week.  Yeah, no one saw that.  On the upside, I got the Hobbit on DVD, so that’s cool.

The Croods

For a brief time in my life I thought I was too adult for cartoons any more, I think when I was like 19 or so.  I was supposed to watch serious dramas.  I bought the movie Straw Dogs.  I read a book by Tolstoy.  Anyway, now I watch Adventure Time.  So from there we transition into this movie about cartoon cavemen.  I don’t like the way this cartoon looks.  Like I find the characters ugly.  I don’t know that there’s any relation between the cartoon being ugly and it being bad, but whatever, I ain’t an art critic up in here.  I’m just saying the girl needs a haircut.  And Nicolas Cage does a voice in here, so there’s something to ponder.

Come Out and Play

This movie is probably opening is 7 theatres and you’re not going to be in any of them.  It’s a horror movie about evil children, I think, which is a novel idea.  There’s only been like one other movie about evil kids, right?  Unless you count The Exorcist, the Omen, Village of the Damned, Children of the Corn, the Orphan, the Ring, the Bad Seed, the Uninvited, Let Me In, Case 39, Pet Semetary, the Grudge, The Devil’s Backbone, The Orphanage and 100 others.

Inappropriate Comedy

This movie was directed by the Shamwow Guy.  Jesus.

Olympus Has Fallen

Morgan Freeman is the president in this movie and he was also the president in Deep Impact.  Morgan Freeman is officially the most trustworthy man in all of Hollywood.  If Morgan Freeman approached you and asked for $20, you’d totally give it to him.

I guess Olympus is the cool codename for the White House that no one knew before this movie came out and now no one will still ever use, because who cares?  I think a cooler movie would be about Morgan Freeman as a Bill Clinton type president macking on interns.  Has Morgan Freeman ever made a sex comedy?  No idea.  But imagine, if you will, Morgan Freeman saying “I gots to motorboat those titties.”   Did you just read that in his voice?  Oh man, I’m winning an Academy Award up in this bitch.


This movie seems to star Tina Fey and Paul Rudd, as far as I can tell by looking at the poster, which is as much effort as I’m putting into this one.  Not that I have anything against either of them, I think they’re both great.  Tina Fey is probably one of the smartest and funniest comedians out there, and Paul Rudd can just kill a hilarious line.  And then I see the poster for this movie and assume it’s shite because the poster is boring as balls.  If even the poster guy phones his shit in, I can hardly get enthused about seeing the movie.  That said, I assume this film is about Pal Rudd admitting to Tina Fey he’s always wanted a threesome with her hot friend played by Scarlett Johansson and then them never having said threesome due to comic hijinks.  Whatever.

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