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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: Nov. 23

Most movies this week came out on Wednesday instead of Friday because Black Friday cannot be interrupted for any reason and we’re all disgusting people.  God forbid you can’t stream into Best Buy like pigs being let into a feeding pen so you can get $50 off of a TV you don’t need because let’s be honest, the people who camp out to get TVs clearly already have plenty of TVs at home, and probably a lot of Slim Jims.  Anyway, on with the show.

Hitchcock

Not that I ever make picks, but if I did, this would be my pick of the week for two reasons.  The first reason is that Alfred Hitchcock was awesome and the second reason is that Anthony Hopkins is also awesome.  I believe during publicity for this movie he called awards shows bullshit and basically said you have to bend over for producers to get awards so it’s a waste of time and the whole thing can go suck a dong.  Atta boy.

I think this movie is about Hitchcock directing Psycho so really, just go watch it.  Don’t go buy bullshit you don’t need.  Black Friday is kind of disgusting.

Silver Linings Playbook

I get the feeling Bradley Cooper needs to be in a “man” movie to be tolerable as he has the look of a total sleazeball all the time.  Not that I care, I think he was pretty funny in the Hangover and he was well cats in the A-Team, but that’s who and what he is.  Is this is a rom com?  With the girl from the Hunger Games?  Is she even legal?  This seems gross to me.

I can’t be bothered to even care what this movie might be about.  Like I have no desire to ever find out what the plot of this film is.  I guarantee my life would be in no way different if I knew more about this movie or saw it, or if it never existed at all.  This movie is as important as a 16th century French haberdasher of no repute.

Red Dawn

Everyone has done a good job of making fun of this movie for ages now, not just because it’s one of the most idiotic remake ideas Hollywood has ever farted out (we are no longer at war with the Soviets, please don’t just replace them with an equally implausible enemy) but because this movie was literally made years ago.  This move is the film equivalent of that can of beans you had in the pantry forever until the day you ran out of anything else to eat and had to do something with it.  Hungry?  Why not Red Dawn?  Why not indeed, you sorry old, unwanted movie.

Life of Pi

I read this book when it came out because, having very rarely strayed from comedy and genre fiction outside of reading I did for school, I felt the need to read some “common man” books, some NYT top 10 books, something like that.  Why?  I have no idea.  Maybe I was missing something.  To this day you can still find my review of the Life of Pi on Amazon.com but don’t look, because it’s not funny.  I liked the book overall, even though it was some clumsy shit, especially at the end.  It was a nice little story, I guess.  Plus there was a meerkat island that burns people, that’s fun.  I assume this movie will be the same thing.

Rise of the Guardians

I feel the laziness oozing off of this film.  Let’s make a movie where holiday icons have to get together and do such and such!  Awesome!  We’ll have Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and….shit.  So then they come up with Jack Frost, the Tooth Fairy and the goddamn Sand Man?  So it’s not holiday icons it’s just things we lie about to kids?  Mmkay.  But it’s being released in the big lead up to the holidays with heavy holiday imagery in the marketing to confuse audiences.  Yes, that’s about right.

I’m guessing they have to overcome some kind of villain like the Spirit of Arbor Day or whatever, and it seems like all is lost when there’s 30 minutes left in the movie, but then they all pull together and win and everyone is happy.  So there you go, no need to pay to see it.

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