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Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen Yet: Nov. 2nd

This week looks not too shay at the old box office after last week’s paltry effort.  Did anyone at all go see Silent Hill Revelations?   Of course not.  Why would you?  It’s a movie you watch on Netflix on a Wednesday morning when you’re hung over.  So that’s something to look forward to.  Anyway, in the meantime, here’s some new stuff for ya.  Yay!

Wreck it Ralph

This movie appeals to both kids, because it’ a cartoon, and nerds because it’s wall to wall video game references.  I saw Q-Bert in a commercial.  Isn’t that great?  No child in the world knows who Q Bert is anymore.  I think it’s about video game characters being actually a live or something because you can base at least one cartoon around the idea of X thing that isn’t alive being alive.  Go on try it – toys, cartoons, book characters, FOX news correspondents.  It’s weird.

Anyway, it’s a Disney movie and Sarah Silverman does a voice, so that’s not bad.  I would date Sarah Silverman.  Just sayin’.

Flight

Denzel Washington stars in this so it will be popular because everyone loves Denzel.  I once saw a show explaining that his features were remarkably symmetrical which made him appealing to people on a subconscious level.  He’s handsome in a way your brain likes without you even knowing why.

Remember when Denzel played a bad ass in Training Day?  That was something.  I always kind of dug the movie Fallen even though that ending was obvious from a mile away.  But the dude who played Casey Jones in the original Ninja Turtles movie was in it and ever since that’s always how I’ve thought of him.

So yeah, this movie.  I dunno.  Denzel crashes a plane?  Not sure, really.  Go see it, I assume it’ll e at least tolerable.

The Man with the Iron Fists

This is one of those movies that tries to make you see it based on the strength of Quentin Tarantino’s name, even though he was not involved in the creation of it at all, he’s just a producer or something.  That’s like being the caterer, no one cares.

Lucy Liu is in this movie and I wasn’t even sure she still existed, but I guess she does.  And there seems to e some dude made of gold also.  And Gladiator is up in here.  Nothing beats white Aussie kung fu.  I guess.  If Zangief isn’t in this movie, I really don’t care to know the story.

The Bay

This is a horror flick that I read about a long time ago then forgot about then remembered when I saw it just now.  I forget what I read but I think it’s about parasites and found footage.  Goddamn found footage movies.  I don’t want to see those any more.  I just don’t.  80% of the footage in found footage movies in insanely convenient.  Why do people keep filming things when abject terror should be making them run in a panic?  The answer is because it’s a shitty found footage movie.  And the worst part is, 90% of those trouser skid movies include a scene where a character looks at the camera and says something like “why are you filming this?” and they get all mad to let you, the audience, know that the camera operator does this way too much, like we were too stupid to figure that out and suddenly it all makes sense.  No, shitty found footage director, that doesn’t justify anything, it just mean even you understood no one would film this much shit but you can’t think of a way to make this movie without that character flaw.  Maybe just  make a normal movie next time.

This Must be the Place

Sean Penn stars in this as not Robert Smith from the Cure, just a creepy guy who looks exactly like Robert Smith from the Cure and is somehow famous and massively wealthy yet socially retarded in every way.  Normally Sean Penn weirds me out but in this he looks like the kind of guy you shouldn’t allow to be within 50 yards of children.

Beyond creepy Sean Penn I don’t know if this movie has a plot. I assume it does, Sean Penn is such an insufferable drama queen there’s probably some deep meaning in this crap.  Can you imagine having dinner with him?  Do you think he ever just talks about something funny he saw on Family Guy?  Probably just share stats on unnecessary circumcisions every time he’s out with people and if you mention Madonna he tries to punch you or something.  He’s one of those dirty blowhards that wants you to agree with him on everything and gets angry when you don’t.  Or maybe not, what do I know?

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