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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Nov. 30th

I’m pretty convinced that no one cares but I would like to let you know that I don’t see these movies after I review them either.  Sometimes I will, maybe once a month, but then other movies I’ll never watch.  Like last week, Silver Linings Playbook?  I’m never going to see that.  I can say that with a lot of authority, I just can’t see myself chemically altering my brain enough for me to start caring about a film like that.  But of course that’s neither here nor there.

Killing Them Softly

I guess this is Brad Pitt’s new movie sponsored y Chanel No.5 or some such.  I’m of course not sure because I’m never sure of these things.  I will say I thought Pitt’s next movie was going to be World War Z which I both want to see and expect to hate.  It’s perverse, I know.  But I read the book and the movie looks nothing like the book.  Listen, if you want to make a different movie, go ahead and do that.  Then change the name to Brad Pitt: Zombie Buggerist or whatever.

Anyway, this movie is about a handsome man.  I’ll commit to that.  I like Brad Pitt.  12 Monkeys, Fight Club, even Interview with the Vampire, he was great in all of those.  Meet Joe Black was a bit of a 3 hour face punch but whatever, it happens.    I guess the point is I have nothing to say.

The Collection

I can’t be sure but I could have sworn this movie was already On Demand.  It looks like something I decided not to watch on TV like a year ago, but that could be because every movie like this looks exactly the same.  Does anyone have stats on just how many real world killers create elaborate, multi-victim traps to screw with their victims?  Has it ever happened?  However often it really happens, the number of movies depicting it seems gratuitous and ill-reflective of serial killing as a whole.

If I were to take up killing as a hobby, I would travel to a different town and go to a park or some other obscured, woodland area and just shoot a person, then fill their pants with packs of Sugar Twin to confuse law enforcement, then go back home.  Next time I would go to a new town and use a shovel, then write a verse of Dr. Suess on the victim in strawberry lip gloss.  And there’s be no link at all between victims, just whoever I first saw when I was reasonably sure I could get away with it.

If these murders ever rally happen, please know it wasn’t really me.  It was one of you.

Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning

Holy shit, when was the last time Van Damme had a movie in theaters?  And whose kid is he holding hostage to get this in theaters?  This is the 6th Universal Soldier movie and somehow only the 4th official one.  The last movie has a $14 million budget and made $800k theatrically, most likely in countries where they don’t know any better.  The one before that had a $45 million budget and made back $10 million.   It’s like Van Damme made an agreement with someone to just shit on big piles of money.

I’m going to be honest though, I love Jean Claude Van Damme.  He’s played identical characters in about 4 different movies already.  Not like Eddie Murphy playing all the members of the Klump family in makeup, it’s just Van Damme as himself more than once.  That shit is amazing.  I still won’t see this movie.    I did however Google it and learn that it has already grossed $10,000 in the Ukraine.

Silent Night

Malcolm McDowell stars in this movie.  If you’re thinking “Oh, the guy from Clockwork Orange?  Awesome”  then you’re desperately in need of understanding what happened in the last 30 years when McDowell apparently decided one good movie was enough and proceeded to star in like 15 shitty movies per year, every year. Ever since.  It’s kind of amazing.

Given that McDowell is physically incapable of making a good film, and that this seems to be a remake of Silent Night, Deadly Night, there’s a good chance this movie will suck with such magnitude that if you sit in the theater in the first few rows you’ll feel it rustling your hair.


This is a kung fu movie.  Let’s go see it.

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