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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: November 16th

Oh man, this is some kind of week at the movies.  It’s like Hollywood got drunk and woke up the next day and couldn’t explain what happened, there was just this crazy shit going on.  And now we are the beneficiaries of it.  Not sure what I mean?  Good thing there’s a whole rest of this article to go.

Twilight: Breaking Bad Dawn part 33 1/3 or whatever.

Jesus.  Look at that awful poster.


After the unmitigated success of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and Abraham Lincoln vs Zombies, not to mention how cool Abe was in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, it’s no wonder that hack Spielberg pulled this one out.  I have it on good authority Lincoln does not travel through time or fight anything supernatural at all in this movie, so what the hell?  I do think he may drink someone’s milkshake though, so there’s that.  Spoiler: he still goes to the theater.  If he travelled through time he could have avoided that bullshit.  Anyway, this’ll be big this week.  Maybe not Twilight big, but smart people can only do so much.

Anna Karenina

For reals?  You bust out a Spielberg biopic on America’s (arguably) greatest President and also a Tolstoy adaptation against Twilight?  It’s almost like the handful of non-idiots in the movie business are daring you to go see movies this weekend and then waiting to silently judge you based on your choice.  Hint:  If you see twilight they will judge you a mouth-breathing, uncultured knuckle humper.

Hitler’s Children

Good god, it’s a documentary on the descendants of infamous Nazis.  Twilight, hang your head in shame.  Shame!  You have sparkle-pires and terrible CG wolves (why haven’t they improved that abhorrent CG yet, incidentally?  Those movies made a bajillion dollars, hire someone who can do special effects) and you think you can go toe to toe with the children of Nazis?  There’s a Himmler in this movie.  Himmler!  Have you studied WWII?  HIMMLER!

Buffalo Girls

Holy shit, you’re killing me.  It’s like someone’s building an epic sandwich of “up yours” to shove down the throat of Stephanie Meyer.  This is a documentary about underground girl fights in Thailand.  It focuses on 8 year old Muay Thai prizefighters.  8 year old girls who could beat you to death and who do what they do to win money to provide for their families.  Is there a movie about a 3 legged puppy that has managed to cure cancer opening this weekend, too?  Any kind of collaboration between Morgan Freeman, Tom Hanks, Laurence Olivier, Anthony Hopkins and Humphrey Bogart?  A movie that actually makes money grow in your wallet?  Just…suck it so hard, Twilight.

Um.  Hmm.  We’re kind of short this week but honestly all I’m going to do is point out how you’re better off literally watching anything besides Twilight.  And I’ll tell you why.  Is it trendy to hate Twilight?  Of course, but don’t let that cloud the reasoning behind it.  You can like Twilight all you want, but you should demand better.  The quality of your entertainment hinges on your desire for it.  If you don’t care that someone produces a book that is, objectively, poorly written and derivative then there is no reason for anyone to improve.  If good enough is good enough, you’ll never see better.  So go see Lincoln this weekend.  Demand entertainment that is engaging, interesting, well made and inspiring.  Films may just be for entertainment but a culture’s entertainment is a legacy of what they value and hold dear.  God knows I don’t want my great grandkids flipping through their hologram projectors in the distant future and seeing Twilight come up and making faces because some lame shit grandpa used to watch is on.  I never watched that shit!

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