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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Oct 26

Paranormal Activity 4 was the top movie at the box office last week but remember, George Bush was elected twice so there’s no accounting for the unexplainable.  I’m not criticizing you for liking those movies, I’m just saying those movies are terrible and you like terrible movies.  It’s science.  I didn’t make them bad.

Now that that’s out of the way we’re rolling into the last weekend before Halloween.  Does that mean studios will now present us with the best and brightest in horror?  Ha ha, no.  Not at all.

Cloud Atlas

This movie will be big but could have been huge.  Know what’s holding it back?  Sue you do, but I’ll give you a hint if you need one – Tell me what the movie is about.

Yeah, no one knows that the shit Cloud Atlas is about based on the ad campaign.  I think it’s about Tom Hanks as a time travelling wizard, but I can’t be sure because they advertise it in a way that refuses to let me be sure.  All I can say is he better go back to 1989 and find Hooch.  God, that dog was awesome.

Silent Hill Revelations

I liked the first Silent Hill movie, not because it was in any way well written, but it was pretty creepy shit.  That’s not easy to find in horror movies, and the implication of what the story was about was actually cool.  Well, not cool, horrible, but that’s the point.  Basically some dicks tried to kill this little girl for being a witch only it didn’t work and then she went all batshit and this evil little demon inside of her made a whole nightmare world for everyone to live in and be tortured in.  Then it falls apart later when just any old person can get tortured there, but whatever.  It was cool on the surface.  Then this sequel shows up.

Of course I haven’t seen the movie, that’s the point, but I will say that when the CG in your commercial looks worse than cut scenes in video games, you’ve screwed up. The commercial are supposed to show the good stuff to make me want to see your movie.  The ads for Silent Hill revelations are a hot mess of turd and confusion.  It’s turdfusion and I don’t like it.

Usually I’ll take this time to say maybe it’s really a good movie but honestly, we all know there’s no hope for this one.

Fun Size

This movie has been assaulting my senses for weeks with the friggin Icona Pop song they run in the background of the ads.  Oh, you don’t care?  You love it?  I don’t care either, so where does that leave us?  The only logical answer is Thunderdome.  I will even give you the advantage because I think it’s two girls singing that song, but they’re like 20 or something and European.  Right now you might think that two twenty year old girls would mop the floor with me in Thunderdome, me being a pasty comedy writer and all but what you don’t know is what kind of just perverse and insane shit I used to do before I wrote comedy.  I don’t want to brag, but I will own any semi-popular modern pop band in a close quarters fight to the death.  It won’t be pretty and you’ll be appalled and never want to associate with me again but when it’s all over, Fortey run Bartertown and I’m the one who doesn’t care.  You shove your repetitive pop song in your ass.

Chasing Mavericks

So this movie is about surfing but it’s not Point Break or anything.  How many surfers are out there, anyway?  Am I wrong in my belief that surfing is a fairly niche hobby?  How can is sustain its own film genre?  Who keeps paying to see movies about surfing?  This movie is literally about a guy who finds a cool place to surf.  Do you know what Mavericks are?  Of course not, I had to Google it, too.  It’s waves.  Just a kind of wave.

I think surfing looks as cool as any other water sport, but I’m not rushing off to see Marco Polo the movie either.

The Loneliest Planet

I know less than nothing about this film.  I owe this film some knowledge.  Hey, Loneliest Planet, in a right angle triangle, the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the square of the other two sides.  Deal with it.

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