Summer is over so what does the first week of kids back in school and shitty movies have for us? Some shitty movies! In fairness (having never seen them, hence the clever title of this feature) I can’t be 100% sure they’re all shitty, but I have an ominous feeling this week. Like the kind of feeling I get after eating Indian food that’s been sitting in a warming tray too long. So, you know, stand back.
What a piece of shit the poster for this movie is. I feel awkward having it on my computer. It looks like they got a team of graphic designers together, made them read all the romance novels in the checkout section of a ghetto grocery store, gave them sedatives, then hit them in the head with a sock full of walnuts until all their vocalizations ended with a “ba-durrr!” sound and then put them to work making the poster. Is that Bradley Cooper laying on Zoe Saldana with a look on his face that suggests a tall Indian needs to enter the room, smother him with a pillow and then jump out the window? Because that’s what it looks like.
In a nutshell: This movie may be about the existential terror Bradley Cooper feels after laying on Zoe Saldana and hearing her digest Indian food that’s been sitting in a warming tray too long.
My spell check assures me that “inbetweeners” isn’t even a word, so this movie is basically based on lies and ignorance. If you go to see it you’ll probably pay your money, walk into a dark room and get a rag full of chloroform jammed in your face. Then you’ll wake up two days later in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney and possibly a prostate. They’ll take the prostate just to fuck with you. If you’re a lady, I dunno, maybe they’ll give you a prostate. Point is, this movie is going to hurt.
In a nutshell: The people who work in movie theaters can barely serve you popcorn and a drink, I wouldn’t trust them with surgery, man.
The Cold Light of Day
The poster for this movie features Bruce Willis making the exact same Bruce Willis expression he always makes when he’s not in Die Hard. I currently have an albino who was once cursed by gypsies and who was trained by a Holy Man who lives in a cave in Tibet meditating over whether or not the universe is going to one day align in such a way that allows me to give a shit about anything going on here.
In a nutshell: Is that Sigourney Weaver? Ugh.
I think this is supposed to be a pseudo Bridesmaids type movie, but more like a Hangover for chicks kind of thing. You’ll notice Hollywood producers like to compartmentalize movies if they can and make a version for men, a version for women and, if at all possible, a version for “urban” audiences, which means it stars more black people than white people. I guess I just hope no one in this movie gets cut on Kirsten Dunst’s teeth.
In a nutshell: Rebel Wilson makes me laugh. I will totally see this once it’s on TV.
They made a REC 2? Wait, I think I saw Quarantine 2, so maybe I knew that. Quarantine was a remake of REC, right? Or was it the other way? Also, what the hell? The second movie sucked the nut. I can’t imagine anyone needs a 3rd movie and so help me God if this is a prequel. Do you know how many people each year request prequels? About 35 people and they’re all mental patients. Severely disturbed, dissociative and generally unaware mental patients. Their opinion is not to be trusted.
In a nutshell: People get super rabies and kill other people, I suspect. Or is this the one when the rabies is from the devil? Ugh. Mental patients.