Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: August 24th

Last week was a shameful event at the movies (or not, depending on your tastes) but this week is going straight up subtle with offerings that are all pretty much flying under the radar.  To the movies!

Premium Rush

This stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt who everyone loves these days, but it also features one of the worst, shitty ass shit names I have seen attached to a movie in ages.  Premium Rush?  Isn’t that a boy band produced by Disney?  It’s like a bunch of assholes with frosted hair sat around humping their smart phones until they came up with two equally useless yet actiony sounding words to slap on this poor thing.  I will now venture guesses as to rejected names for this film;

• Intense Thrill
• Illegitimate Fisting
• Razor Scooter Douchebike
• Electric Jam Session
• Mountain Dew Enema
• YEAHH!  ARRGH!!  BWAAA-TA-TA-TA-TA-BROW!

The Apparition

Look at the name of this floater.  Ugh, I can almost see stink lines rising off of my computer as I type it.  Just swampy, hazy green-brown ones that smell of sulphur and dead plant matter, like the Earth itself farted because it’d been eating burritos someone left on the counter too long.

I saw the poster for this movie and that’s it, but I’m going to assume it’s about someone young and pretty who is being haunted by a ghost that is an asshole and apparently within the confines of the movie doesn’t seem to be bound by any kind of rules or logic and there will be all kinds of scares that make the audience jump so long as no one stops to wonder why they’re happening because, in the movie, the characters never see them, so why are they even visible?  You know what I’m talking about – those scenes where a ghost appears in the corner just as someone is leaving a room and that person doesn’t see it, only you do in the audience, meaning that if this were real that ghost is literally standing there like an idiot doing nothing since no one is looking at it.  Movie ghosts are dickheads and I have faith that the apparition in this shit sandwich is going to be no different.

Also, wait for the twist ending in which it seems like finally the horror is over but then it’s not, because why shouldn’t every ghost movie use the same twist ending?

Hit and Run

I wrote this late at night and couldn’t be bothered to download the poster first, so I’m flying a little more blind than usual here.  So I guess this movie is about Amanda Bynes.

Robot and Frank

This movie is about Frank Langella and a robot and what a great way to start a sentence.  I hope the two of them kill a lot of people in a bid to gain dominance over the American South but of course even if that doesn’t happen, they could kill people just about anywhere and it’d still be pretty great.  I’m going to strongly recommend you see this movie.

The Revenant

This movie seems to be about a dude who is sort of a zombie and sort of a vampire.  I will now stupidly acknowledge that’s sort of what a revenant is, so clever name, guys who named this.  Ya know, for a long time, vampires in fiction we’re classy, sexy folk, that was the bastard contribution of that Bram Stoker asshole.  Vampires used to be rotten, dead people who drank blood, how sexy is that, really?  So yeah, this movie seems to be about that.  But also funny, which is charming.  Maybe not super funny, I haven’t seen it yet, but you know.  Good try, anyway.