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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: July 20th

Last week, due to the nefarious influence of Comic Con, we missed out on this segment entirely.  We probably would have aced it though, we’re good at this stuff.  Anyways, on with a new week.  Get your movie on!

The Dark Knight Rises

Um.  Hmm.  I mean, I know this movie was going to be big, but it’s nice if there’s just the illusion of a challenge when I write these.  Like I pick 5 movies or so and then pretend to guess which one will come out on top, and sometimes I even get it wrong.  Remember Ted?  Totally didn’t guess that movie would do as well as it did.  But here’s the thing with Batman, there’s kind of literally nothing else opening against it.  Has that ever happened before?   There are a few limited release movies but no one is going to watch that shit.  No one.  Oh well, I’ll review them anyway but you and I both know Batman wins this week.  Come on.

Anyways, in this movie Batman and some chick who lots of people think is hot but I think is a little meh are fighting a dude with a muzzle, so that’s something.  Plus there’s a bat jet thing.  And it ends the trilogy!  Go see it!

In a nutshell:  Unless Jesus returns on Thursday and distracts everyone, this should do well.

Hara-Kiri: Death of a Samurai

I’m not even going to besmirch this movie, because it could be totally awesome, but dude – it’s a foreign language film opening against Batman.  Do the people distributing this movie just not give a shit?

I’m guessing this movie has some awesome swordy action and, if it was me, I woulda tossed in like a ghost or a vampire or something.  Have you ever seen vampires in Japanese movies?  Shit’s insane, makes no sense at all.  I’d have like five of them.  And maybe one crawls out of the TV and eats a samurai.

Point is, you’re not going to see this movie this weekend.  But maybe catch it On Demand later or whatever.

In a nutshell:  You won’t see it, but maybe one day you will.

The Well Digger’s Daughter

I want to believe this is in some way pornographic but it probably isn’t.  And if that’s the case, this movie may literally be about a well digger’s daughter.  Could you imagine?  May as well turn the TV off and just stare at that for two hours.

In a nutshell:  Pfft.

The Queen of Versailles

Versailles is a city in France and therefore has no queen.  I assume this is a reference to a French drag queen then, in which case I’m not even sure where this movie is going.  Is it one of those Euro sex romps, like Last Tango in Paris?  Did you ever see that?  They use butter as lube in that movie.  Like, for backdoor shenanigans.  It’s considered artsy by today’s standards because it starred Marlon Brando and a girl with a French accent but if you made the movie today people would just assume it was boring porno.

In a nutshell: Even the people who star in this won’t be seeing it.

30 Beats

The poster for this movie looks like a lazy attempt at vintage James Bond.  There’s the silhouette of ladies and a dude and pretty much jack shit else.  I’m going to assume therefore that this is a rejected Bond movie, like maybe a poor man’s Casino Royale.  To avoid a lawsuit they probably changed the main character’s name to John Bail and he’s Australian, let’s say.  And maybe he’s got some OCD thing that makes him afraid of sex, but all the ladies want to grease him up and slide down him like a cartoon banister.  Is this making sense?  I’m really feeling this.  If this isn’t what the movie is actually about, then you back the hell off because this is my idea.

Probably there’s a jewel heist too.  You know, to flesh out the story.

In a Nutshell:  C’mon.

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