Reviewing Movies we Haven’t Seen: June 1st

My God, it never stops!  Last week did we not predict that MIB III would topple the Avengers?  And then didn’t it?  It did!  I am psychic, that’s confirmed.  By science.  Film science.  Science!  Anyway, on to this week.

Snow White & the Huntsman

Arguably the biggest release of this week is Kristen Stewart not being a dull vampire humper but instead a dull fairy tale girl.  A movie about Snow White already came out once this year, so it must be a hot year for midgets and impressionable young girls.  Did I mention Kristen Stewart is to acting what a hat rack is to acting?

This movie will probably do OK but since it seems to be about Thor fighting off angry trees and Charlize Theron murdering people it’s going to lose the core audience of people who give a shit about Snow White.  On a tangentially related matter, did you ever see 2 Days in the Valley?  Charlize Theron was totally naked in that.  Like torn out of a catsuit naked.  It was wicked.

Piranha 3DD

DD, do ya get it?  Do you get it?  Do you get that there are tits in this movie?  And fish that are going to bite those tits?  And David Hassellhoff is in it! Who the hell does that appeal to?

I’ll see it on Netflix.

Apartment 143

This is not Paranormal Activity 4.  You can tell first by the title, but also because it takes place in an apartment while Paranormal Activity is a house based movie.  Fun!

This movie looks about as creative as dumping a can of tuna into a pot of mac and cheese and calling it a casserole.  It literally looks like a half dozen other movies that have come out in the last 5 years or so.  Hey, first person filming of a haunting, what a great idea.  What a novel and great idea.

Who funds this?  Give me half that money and I will give you a quality, original movie that can’t possibly suck as bad as this because the only thing that could suck as bad as this is another one of these cookie cutter shit sandwiches, which I wouldn’t make.

The Loved Ones

This is a three year old Aussie horror movie, so maybe you already saw it.  It’s getting a wide release this week though and is apparently a shining jewel in the crown of torture porn.  There’s something to be said for a torture porn movie that actual has a decent critical reception, which this does.  If you can make people love the needless and gratuitous suffering of someone else, you’ve made movie magic.  That said, it’s still a niche audience.

I’d be more into this graphic horror movies if someone tried to tell a story I give half a shit about.  People found Saw novel when it first came out, but all I could think was that who is that insane, yet that meticulous and dedicated at this point in time anyway?  So much work went into that, for a guy who was already dying and batshit crazy, it just seemed like too much.  Then in the sequel there was that scene with a hole in a wooden floor filled with needles but I swear there was a floor below that floor, so how the hell did that work?  And the dude died in the second movie didn’t he?  And they’ve made like 10 sequels, what the hell?

High School

Get this, it’s called High School but it’s about getting high, too!  It’s punny!  Wee!!  Take that How High and Half Baked and Up in Smoke and the Stoned Age and Super High Me.  Yeah.

This movie involves pot brownies and Adrien Brody.  Brody probably doesn’t fight Predators or have sex with a creepy, mostly featureless genetic mishap either so I can’t say if his role has a point or not.  Like all pot comedies this will appeal to a narrow audience and some of those people will try to make you feel like an idiot if you don’t think it’s funny, as though getting high were an exclusive club, which it’s not since anyone with glaucoma can do it.