Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: June 8th

Does anything stop the Holy Taco train of film prediction?  Could anything?  No, and do you know why?  Because we’d see it coming ahead of time and be prepared because we have otherworldly powers of awesomeosity!  Last week we predicted Snow White and the Hunstman would take the box office, which it did because the gimmick of MIB III only appealed to a handful of people for a week.    What madness awaits us this week?  Behold!

Prometheus

We’ve hit our first real stumper in terms of predicting box office success this week.  Prometheus here would be a surefire number 1 but it’s also rated R which cuts back on its audience significantly.  But n the plus side it’s a pseudo prequel to the Alien franchise before the Predators got involved, that ain’t bad.  And Charlize Theron is in it again and she’s the only reason I can think of why Snow White succeeded last week.  Remember her in Arrested Development?  That was funny.  Also, remember her in 2 Days in the Valley which I also referenced last week?  She was naked in that.  God yes.

Officially we’re going to have to all a draw with this and Madagascar, the spirits are unclear about which will succeed most.  This looks cool, but kids are dumb and will want to watch the 3^rd part to a barely interested franchise.  Tough call.

Madagascar 3

Madagascar was the one about the animals on a journey that wasn’t literally 500 other movies.  But David Schwimmer did one of the voices, isn’t that fun?  Kids?  Don’t you love David Schwimmer?  Of course not.  No one loves David Schwimmer.  No one on Earth.

Anyway, based on the commercials, this is about Chris Rock as a zebra and a lion and they’re in Europe and I think Wanda Sykes is the hippo or something.  If she is you’ll be up to your ass in sass.

There’s a good chance this movie will take the number one spot, because as popular as Prometheus will be, all of its audience plus their kids have the potential to see Madagascar.  On the other hand, screw those animals.

Safety Not Guaranteed

This movie is based on an old joke that you can find on Reddit, craigslist, ebay and other places – a classified ad from a time traveler look for a companion to travel to the past with them.  The actual classified ad came from God knows where but it’s been repeated hundreds of time by people like Terrell Mims who steal other peoples creative work and pawn it off as their own.

The fact that ludicrous classified ad was made into a movie is kind of awesome so I have to recommend you see this movie but make no mistake, it’s not going to make any money.  It’ll be worth watching though because crazy internet jokes are funny shit.

Peace, Love & Misunderstanding

Remember all the buzz around this movie?  Of course not.  It stars Kyra Sedgewick or Julia Roberts or Ellen Cleghorn and there’s literally nothing short of over-the-top, Michael Bay style violence that could make me watch it.  I’m not even going to look up what it’s about so it’s not outside the realm of possibility that this is actually an awesome movie with a really unique story and I’d love it but I have a chunk of change in my pocket that says no.  No sir.

Maybe go see it this weekend and tell me how you liked it.

For the Love of Money

This movie has something to do with Jewish people and I feel that’s vaguely racist.  The title seems damning.  Probably a better title would have been “We Don’t Hate Jews.”  On the other hand I don’t really know what the movie is about so maybe it’s a stirring tale of Jewish people not controlling Hollywood and other Zionist conspiracies that aren’t true.  Maybe I heard wrong and this movie isn’t about Jewish people and everything I’ve just said is horrible.