Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen: May 25th

The Avengers has been the number one movie in the country for like 100 weeks now.  Or something.  We’re not checking the calendar.  But it has made chump meat out of Battleship, Dark Shadows and every other attempt to topple it from the top spot at the box office JUST AS WE PREDICTED!  Yes, Holy Taco is full of scary movie psychic hotness.  And so it is with a heavy heart that we have predictions for this week that bode poorly for Iron Man and his friends.

Men in Black III

This is it, folks.  This is the movie that’s going to kick the Avengers in the ass.  Men in Black 3 is going to take over the top spot this weekend.  Does that mean you should go see it?  Tough call, actually.  Lots of people enjoyed parts one and two, so that’s fun.  There’s sure to be lots of ridiculous aliens that don’t quite look like they’re in the same room as Will Smith just like in the other two, and now you get not just Tommy Lee Jones deadpanning hilarious lines, but Josh Brolin, too.  Fun.

On the other hand, Will Smith’s MIB schtick is pretty old at this point, considering it’s the same character he played not just in two other MIB movies but Independence Day, Bad Boys and Bad Boys 2, Wild Wild West and pretty much anything but those 3 movies where he was serious all the time.

Maybe go see it if you’ve already seen the Avengers twice.  Everyone else is going.

Chernobyl Diaries

I’m sorry, but screw this movie.  This was made by the people that brought you Paranormal Activity 1,2 and 3 and not a single one of those was actually good, despite what you may have heard.  In case you’ve missed our numerous critiques of those films in the past, here’s the quick guide to making a Paranormal Activity movie; Boring family stuff, boring family stuff, door opens, door closes, weird sound, door opens, something runs at the camera, end.

You know already the movie isn’t about what you think it’s about, there’s just a terrible twist at the end which I will even go so far as to guess right now based on one word from the trailers so if you don’t want this potentially spoiled you should stop reading now.  That said, there’s nothing.  I will make you a sandwich if it turns out there’s an actual monster in this movie.  One trailer says paranoia is a symptom of radiation exposure, and God knows they haven’t made enough horror movies lately where you watch awful things happen for 1 hour and 29 minutes then find out in the last scene that it was all in the main characters’s head.  So yeah, don’t bother.  Go rent Haute Tension again, or one of the other awful movies that had the same plot.

Moonrise Kingdom

Heard of this one yet?  It’s a Wes Anderson movie and Wes Anderson doesn’t care if you watch his movies or not, so they paid for like 5 commercials, all of which ran on Lifetime or something.

Like all Wes Anderson movies, this stars Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman and will probably be equal parts funny and confusing.  It also stars Bruce Willis and I don’t give a shit what you say, I like Bruce Willis.  Die Hard was a goddamn work of art.  Did I ever tell you I was at the building they used for the Nakatomi Tower once when I went to Hollywood?  That’s right, I went to Hollywood.  I saw a tranny.  Just saw, though.  No touching.

Go see this movie, Wes Anderson films are cool.  It’ll make like no money because it’ll only be you and me there, but that’s OK.

Cowgirls n’ Angels

At first I thought this was a sequel to Cowboys and Aliens.  Then I thought maybe it was a porn parody.  Turns out it’s neither.  I can’t make myself care to find out what it’s really about now.

The Intouchables

At first I thought this was a sequel to The Untouchables.  Then I thought maybe it was a porn parody.  Turns out it’s neither.  I can’t make myself care to find out what it’s really about now.