Oh man, I don’t know what happened but what an awesome week for movies. I usually have to toss in at least one movie I know no one is going to see to pad these columns out but this week I had to cut stuff because there’s so much awesomeness opening. And by that I mean stupid stuff. Probably a couple of these movies are OK but man, there’s a lot of ridiculous shit hitting theaters this week, it’s great.
Resident Evil: Retribution
Part 19 of the ongoing Resident Evil saga once again finds Milla Jovovich (who I find uncomfortably attractive) squaring off against zombies and the world’s worst run company, the Umbrella Corporation. I could have sworn the entire world except maybe Japan was overrun by zombies in the last movie, but what do I know?
This movie brings back a ton of characters that died in previous movies and I honestly don’t care how or why. I just want to know what the hell the Umbrella Corporation’s goal is now. I feel like they made some serious missteps in the past and really, nothing they’re doing is making it much better. And how does the company still exist? The world is a zombie nightmare, why are people still punching in at 9am over there? If ever there was a time for early retirement, this is it.
In a nutshell: I’m going to see this knowing full well no one has any plans, anywhere, to like it.
This movie is a sort of Scientology film, but not really because no one wants to get sued for making fun of Scientology even though they’re a bullshit organization based on lies, crimes and douchebaggery (its verifiable, don’t worry). Apparently the Weinstein were getting harassed for producing it, but probably not by real Scientologists, probably just fake ones.
On a lighter note, does anyone really like Joaquin Phoenix? Like he’s not a bad actor, but do you actually like him? Eh.
In a nutshell: This will do well but I’ll probably see it on Netflix someday.
What an awkward word to use for the name of a movie. When’s the last time you used arbitrage in a sentence? But never mind that – Susan Sarandon is in this movie and I want to date her. Listen, it doesn’t have to be serious, I’m not making long term plans, I just want to go out and get a sandwich with her. Can anyone make this happen? I’ve asked her on twitter before but it’s gone nowhere.
In a nutshell: Richard Gere is in this movie. Meh.
Oh good, it’s an ensemble comedy/drama. I can’t tell you how often I write manifestos about those. Plus this is about a highschool reunion so it’s going to be scored with music from 2002 apparently. What was big in 2002? Of for Christ’s sake, I just Googled it and the #1 Billboard single of 2002 was How You Remind me by Nickelback.
See, this is why you can’t have 10 year reunions. Incidentally, I never had a 10 year reunion, are they common? I thought you did like 20 or 25 year reunions. A 10 year highschool reunion is stupid. But that aside, the music from 10 years ago has no nostalgia value yet. Nickelback! Are you shitting me? The mere chance that Nickelback is part of the soundtrack is enough to avoid this.
In a nutshell: Nickleback. Screw that.
I wasn’t going t write about this movie at all until I saw it was a Nic Cage flm. I never miss a Nic Cage film. I never see them in theaters either, but I never miss them. I don’t give a shit what the plot of this is, it’s Nic Cage.
In a nutshell: It’s Nic Cage!
Cane Toads: The Conquest
Is there a movie opening this year that has a superior title? No. Cane Toads: The Conquest is about as awesome as a movie name will ever get, and the awesome is compounded by the knowledge this is a documentary, it’s 3D and it’s a sequel. What? How did any of that happen in the same place at the same time? Just stunning.
I’m guessing this movie is just about some asshole toads. Sounds solid.
In a nutshell: 3D nature documentaries are now a thing. Awesome.