Explore Holy Taco

Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Dec 14th

We’re getting close to Christmas which is a weird time for films because studios seem to throw three turds and a gold nugget to audiences every week.  Except for last week, of course, which was all turd.  Seriously, name a movie that opened last week.  You can’t.  Anyway, that aside, this week is pretty easy to figure out so let’s get to it.

The Hobbit

I will fight anyone who doesn’t like this movie just on principle.  I haven’t seen it yet and I already like it because of what it represents.  Moreso the original Lord of the Rings trilogy, and to a lesser degree Harry Potter, these movies represent a legitimization of wonder.  Because for years it was illegitimate.  For years fantasy was a stigma.  It was a sign of nerdism in the extreme and it was a cause for shame.  Kids who play Magic the Gathering or D and D have always been the nerds, and their favorite genres have always been marginalized.  No serious fantasy movies were made 15 years ago.  And fantasy fiction was the realm of virgins and freaks, people who never grew up.  Because if you were normal nd you grew up you had to read adult things.  You real drama, and that awful pulp fiction shit you see on the NYT best sellers list.  Never high fantasy.

Well fuck you everyone.  Fantasy has been legitimized because we’ve all finally embraced a wonderful truth – it’s OK to want something fantastic.  To be lost in a dream, to escape to an impossible world.  And do you know why?  Because 5 million people per year get infected with AIDS.  Over 6 million children in developing countries will die of malnutrition in a year.  Someone in the US is sexually assaulted every 2 minutes.  Do you want to live in that world?  Fuck no.  Fuck no.  But you do.  So if you are allowed to escape, whether it be to Middle Earth, to Narnia, to Azeroth, Westeros, Hogwarts or the Discworld, you do it and be OK with it because everyone needs an escape now and then.

Plus for real dude, this movie is going to be awesome.

Stand up Guys

No idea what this is but Christopher Walken is in it so it can only be as bad as a Christophe Walken movie.  But keep in mind Walken was in the following films;

  • Hairspray
  • Gigli
  • Kangaroo Jack
  • Joe Dirt
  • Blast from the Past
  • The Stepford Wives
  • Envy

So, you know, no guarantee this isn’t a turd sandwich.

Any Day Now

I dunno man.  I want to think this movie is about waiting for a package.  I ordered a lot of Christmas gifts online this year and am still waiting for a lot of them to show up.  We’re getting down to the wire, so really, any day now is kind of what I’m thinking.  It’s a shitty plot for a film but when’s the last time you head of a shitty plot stopping a movie from being made?  Did you see Battleship?  Ridiculous.

Save the Date

This is a thing people say when they’re getting married, I guess.  It’s like a cutesy saying that’ll be spooged on the top of the invitation.  Save the Date!  I don’t understand why it needs to be boiled down to a catchphrase but on the other hand I don’t understand why some people think UFOs exist or that the earth is 6000 years old. People seem to feel free to do all kinds of dumb shit these days.

That said there is literally no way this movie isn’t awful.  I haven’t even looked at the poster for this film but I’m going to assume it’s a star vehicle for an actress you don’t give a shit about featuring other people you don’t give a shit about in a formulaic and soulless ass smear of a rom com story that you will forget before you leave the theater if you’re one of the unfortunate few who go see it.

Saint Dracula

Hey, did you make a movie about Dracula?  WHAT A NOVEL IDEA!

0 Responses to "Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Dec 14th"