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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: December 13th

I think I missed even writing this feature last week, probably due to drunkenness or prison, but I’ll thank you not to meddle in my affairs.  I trust all the films from last week sucked, however.  This week looks like maybe suck, maybe not.  How enlightening, right?  Yeah, I’m pretty deep.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

This movie is going to make all the money.  It doesn’t matter what happens in it. But for what it’s worth, I imagine it’s 3 hours of little people trying to kill Benedict Cumberbatch.  I’m going to go see it.  I’ll probably get a really big soda.  Or pop, depending on what part of the world you’re in.

Tyler Perry’s Christmas Bullshit

That’s not the actual title of this movie but who are we kidding? Don’t pay for this crap.

Saving Mr. Banks

For some reason Tom Hanks insists on making movies without Hooch.  I have no idea why.  This one is about Mary Poppins but it’s not Mary Poppins.  That’s pretty meta when you think about it.  God, the movies this week are really just begging to have nothing said about them.

I figure this movie will appeal to your parents or your boring friends who like to watch PBS and shit.

American Hustle

This has been nominated for a Golden Globe in the comedy category which is delightful because it’s not a comedy.  I guess it’s light or some shit, but not strictly a comedy because the Golden Globes are full of shit.  Everyone looks silly in this based on the commercials though, so maybe that’s where the comedy comes from.  They’re really fisting the whole 70s thing down your throat.  Eh, whatever.  It’ll do well with people who hate Hobbits, I’m sure.

Here Comes the Devil

The Devil went down to Georgia. He was lookin’ for a soul to steal.
He was in a bind ’cause he was way behind. He was willing to make a deal
When he came across this young man sawin’ on a fiddle and playin’ it hot.
And the Devil jumped upon a hickory stump and said “Boy, let me tell you what.”

“I bet you didn’t know it, but I’m a fiddle player, too.
And if you’d care to take a dare I’ll make a bet with you.
Now you play a pretty good fiddle, boy, but give the Devil his due.
I’ll bet a fiddle of gold against your soul ’cause I think I’m better than you.”

The boy said, “My name’s Johnny, and it might be a sin,
But I’ll take your bet; and you’re gonna regret ’cause I’m the best there’s ever been.”

Johnny, rosin up your bow and play your fiddle hard.
‘Cause Hell’s broke loose in Georgia and the Devil deals the cards.
And if you win you get this shiny fiddle made of gold,
But if you lose the devil gets your soul.

The Devil opened up his case and he said, “I’ll start this show.”
And fire flew from his fingertips as he rosined up his bow.
And he pulled the bow across the strings and it made an evil hiss.
And a band of demons joined in and it sounded something like this.

When the Devil finished, Johnny said, “Well, you’re pretty good ol’ son,
But sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it’s done.”

“Fire on the Mountain.” Run, boys, run!
The Devil’s in the house of the rising sun;
Chicken’s in the bread pan picking out dough.
Granny, does your dog bite? No, child, no.

The Devil bowed his head because he knew that he’d been beat.
And he laid that golden fiddle on the ground at Johnny’s feet.
Johnny said, “Devil, just come on back if you ever wanna try again,
‘Cause I’ve told you once–you son of a bitch–I’m the best there’s ever been.”
And he played:

“Fire on the Mountain.” Run, boys, run!
The Devil’s in the house of the rising sun;
Chicken’s in the bread pan picking out dough.
Granny, does your dog bite? No, child, no.

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