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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: June 14th

This is a big weekend for movies, we’re getting into the summer fudge fest of films when every weekend is the most awesome weekend and one movie is clearly meant to make more money than all the rest.  This weekend everyone was hanging their hats on Superman, but we’ll see how that pans out.

Man of Steel

This is it, this is DC’s next attempt to capture the magic of The Dark Knight.  Marvel could squat over a pile of celluloid and produce a multi-million dollar extravaganza that at least 2/3 of people love.  For every awful Marvel movie they seem to have 2 that kick ass.  DC, on the other hand, literally only has 2 movies that people liked and they were all Dark Knight films.  In fact, people now like the older Batman movies less because they’re so inferior compared to the new ones, so the only DC movies people used to like became unlikeable when compared to their superior reboot.  How’s that for a kick in the ass?

That said, Man of Steel is attempting to overcome like 15 previous attempts to make Superman not suck.  You have no idea how much I want to like this movie.  Michael Shannon as Zod?  Plus no super panties?  This should be a no brainer.  But I confess, I looked this movie up on Rotten Tomatoes and it does not look good.  I didn’t read any reviews but I did see that big splat that means rotten and I just shook my head.  What the hell is wrong with you, DC?  Why can’t you make a non-shitty movie?  Why Batman and Robin?  Why Green Lantern?  Why 10 years humming and hawing about Wonder Woman and then screwing it so badly it never gets made when you had Joss “The Avengers” Whedon on line to direct it?  STOP SUCKING SO GODDAMN HARD AND GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASSES FOR A CHANGE OF PACE!

It’s embarrassing to see how pathetic DC and Warner Bros are at making movies together at this point, either by virtue of never moving or moving and screwing up.  I want this movie to be good but if I see it and it sucks I am going to send some strongly worded tweets about it, let me tell you.

This is the End

The movie that could topple Superman this weekend (it won’t, but it could), this movie will probably be funny because everyone who is funny is in it.  Not a lot of people like Your Highness with James Franco and Danny McBride but I swear I have watched it like 10 times and I still laugh at it.  That dickless guy named Julie?  Forget about it.  Every single look that James Franco has on his face in that movie is priceless.  Plus Charles Dance is in it.  That dude is legit.

Anyway, point is, I dig Franco and McBride and Seth Rogen and Craig Robinson and the idea that Aziz Ansari gets kicked into the abyss is funny to me and the whole thing looks like the kind of dumb shit I would write if I knew those guys in real life.  So there’s that.  I support this movie is what I’m saying.

My Little Pony: Equestria Girls

Oh my God, this is a thing.  Find a theater where this is playing and then take pics of bronies as they come in and out.  I want to know that they really exist.  I know there’s a documentary but I feel it was fake.  I need unbiased proof.  Not for any reason, it’s just one of those things.  My soul needs this knowledge to find peace.

Hatchet 3

Oh look, it’s part 3 to a franchise you probably had no idea even existed.  In Canada, all school kids are required to read a book called The Hatchet that’s about a kid who survives a plane crash in the Canadian North and spends months in the wilderness before he’s rescued.  He has a hatchet.  It’s pretty dope.

This movie is probably about a hatchet killer.  Man, I dunno.  In movies, psychos have these weird habits, like always using a hatchet for instance, or wearing masks.  In real life, I don’t think that shit happens at all.  At best you might find a serial killer who strangles victims, but there’s no one out there exclusively killing with sharpened popsicle sticks or anything.  That’s ridiculous.

The Bling Ring

I don’t think the Bling Ring is the same as the Nuva Ring but ever since that SNL bit with the Nuva Bling, all I can imagine when I hear the name of this movie is some kind of jewel-encrusted birth control device that is sold to me by Emma Watson.

Actually I’m just going to end this here.  Nothing else needs to be said.

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