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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: June 7th

Last week After Earth farted onto screens that no one watched, ensuring that Fast 6 stayed on top of the heap pulling in a ton of cash that could have been used to buy food for the homeless.  Ha ha ha!  Anyway, on with this week.

The Internship

Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson were really big a while back but I think no one is looking forward to this movie.  They’re interns at Google?  Really?  I feel like this movie was supposed to have been made in 2006 or so.  I think I actually read that as a joke on Twitter, but it’s very cromulent.

Also, the only thing I think of when I hear about interns (still) is Monica Lewinsky and I don’t want to see anyone pork Owen Wilson with a cigar, so screw this movie.  Sorry.

The Purge

I don’t like idea of this movie.  There’s no crime for 12 hours – what kind of assholes society would ever come up with that idea?  I get it’s a dystopian thing, but shouldn’t there be some validity to the dystopia?  A logic?  I see no logic here.  If anything, every dystopian society in which there still is a society up until this point has been leaning more towards a police state and that, in fact, is what people today in the real world fear.  So to do the exact opposite and give us a futuristic pseudo-utopia that then balances itself with a yearly crime spree is the kind of thing a 10 year old would think up because there’s no depth to it at all.  If you even question it for a moment it falls apart, and that’s shitty storytelling.

Plus I’ve ever liked Ethan Hawke.

Much Ado About Nothing

Shakespeare and Joss Whedon, huh? This will either be awesome in an Avengers way or terrible in an Aliens: Resurrection way.  I’m a big Whedon fan boy though and few people know I have a degree in English which required that I spend a hell of a lot of time reading Shakespeare, so I’m a bit of a fan.  Never trust a person who doesn’t like any of Shakespeare’s writing.  There’s a reason he’s considered the greatest author of all time and it’s not because English professor’s suck.  Dude worked with words in an amazing way.  Plus he dropped C-bombs, so take that school.

Rapture-Palooza

This movie is about the Rapture and Craig Robinson is in it.  This is the End comes out in a week or two and he is also in that and it is also about the Rapture.  Who stars in two Rapture movies in the same month?  Isn’t that weird?

That said, this is clearly the second string Rapture movie, but maybe that means it’s secretly awesome.  Jonah Hill is in This is the End and from what I can tell he’s a bit of a doucher in real life, so maybe this is awesome.  Maybe this will be the awesomest thing ever.  Maybe.  Maybe.

Violet and Daisy

It’s girls with flower names, isn’t that great?  Apparently this is a movie about ten girl assassins so right off the bat you know it’s some BS quirky shit from someone who watches too many Tarantino films.  Tell me I’m wrong and I’ll call you a liar, that’s absolutely what this bullshit is.  I don’t even give a shit what the rest of the plot is, the fact that this reeks of that same desperate Tarantinoesque crap as so many other forced indie films that get funded by idiots who think that kind of derivative crap is awesome.  It’s not.  Up yours, movie.

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