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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: May 31st

Fast 6 dominated last week because zoom!  I don’t get it but who am I to judge?  Just a guy who judges each and every week in this article.  Yes sir.

After Earth

I was fully prepared to make fun of this movie for a very different reason than I am about to make fun of it for.  I had thought to mock the whole manufactured celebrity of Will Smith’s family, a movie as a vanity project for a Hollywood dad and what seems like a pretty weak story complete with a character whose name is Cypher Raige but not as a joke.  Then I found out M night Shyamalan directed this movie.

Nowhere in any of the press for this movie will you see his name.  Back in the day Shyamalan’s name was bigger than the title of the movie but now it seems like studios have only half learned their lesson.  They know not to tell us he was involved but they don’t know enough to not get him involved in the first place.  So yeah, this is a Shyamalan movie and therefore it’s just not going to be good.

Some people likely think it’s unfair to judge a movie in this manner and those people are silly ass at best.  How many bad movies does Shyamalan need to make before you can predict his next movie will also be bad?  The answer is several movies less than what Shyamalan has already done.  He has thoroughly and incredibly proved himself to be a fluke – he scored big with his first movie and then failed miserably, and increasingly, which each movie thereafter.  He’s so bad at this point you have to wonder if something else was going on with The Sixth Sense, like maybe he didn’t really write it or something.  We may never know.  Especially not if the answer is in one of his movies, cuz I ain’t seeing that shit.

Now You See Me

This movie doesn’t look awful so much as a little muddled – the Hulk is in it, Jesse Zombieland, Morgan Freeman,  Alfred, Woody and Isla Fisher plus Dave Franco’s second string brother who was in the worst movie I have ever seen; Bad Meat.  When a movie has a cast this over the top it’s either really bad or tolerable in a way that suggests people are apologizing for it because there are so many famous people in it, kind of like the Ocean’s movies.  Those weren’t good, but they had George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon so people felt obliged to like them because of all the handsome per square inch.

The real issue with this movie is the fact that Jesse Eisenberg looks absolutely ridiculous with facial hair.  I refuse to take him seriously with facial hair.  He looks like that dude in Jackass who had pubes glued to his face.  But maybe that’s all a trick and part of the plot.

The East

The first two movies this week I obviously have some passing knowledge of – they’re your “blockbuster” releases we’ve all seen trailers for so there’s a familiarity.  Then this movie the East comes along and all I have to judge it on is the name.  A direction.  This shouldn’t be allowed in filmmaking.  Actually this shouldn’t be allowed in writing in general, just the most boring ass name of all time.  I don’t give a shit if, by the end, the east has multifaceted and rich meaning that ties the whole thing together, the name is what sells a story right off the bat and calling it the East is like calling it The Ottoman or The Wallpaper.  Who gives a shit?

Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan

This appears to be a horror movie about Paul Bunyan and I just wish I’d had this idea first.  Paul Bunyan?  The Lumberjack?  That’s hilariously awesome in every way.  I hope this plays like a typical “kids in the woods” horror flick with forgettable characters and girls who inexplicably get topless a lot, but instead of a silent, masked Jason stalking them through the trees, it’s a man who’s 30 feet tall and has a blue ox.  I can’t even imagine how this works but I will absolutely see it.  On Netflix.

American Mary

Any time a movie starts with the word “American” I expect a degree of either satire or slapstick and if that’s not present, the movie sucks hard.  American Psycho was awesome.  American Werewolf in London was awesome.  American Pie was…eh, it was alright if you forget what came after.  American Beauty tried to convince me that Mena Suvari was pretty and I have never watched it again.  American Ninja was not a joke at all, except in the unintentional way. This is American Mary.  Do they mean Mary like “stop being such a Mary” or is it just some chick named Mary?  I have no idea.  I hope she’s a patriotic sexborg, however, who uses liberty and justice plus machine gun boobs to fight evil, but that may be asking too much.

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