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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Nov 1st

In a short time the Christmas movie season will begin complete with family films and a handful of what those industry types like to call “blockbusters” to pad out the season. In the meantime we’re in film limbo, where you can’t ever tell if anyone even cared when they made movies.  Some are good, some are bad, some make you crave oblivion.

Ender’s Game

This is based on a popular sci fi novel of the same  name but that’s totally irrelevant when you have Harrison Ford in a sci fi movie.  That’s like putting vodka in orange juice, it just made everything better and also nerds can’t handle it.

I guess the idea here is that there’s aliens and we suck at killing them until we make killing them into a game for kids to play, because kids love violent games.  And there’s this one kid who can kill the shit out of some aliens.  How does Harrison Ford fit in?  Gonna be honest, I never read the books.  I assume he’s like…the captain.  Or a General.  Seems like shit you’d do with Harrison Ford.  I dunno, go see it, it looks cool enough.

Last Vegas

Oh man, old men? In Vegas? Now I’ve heard of everything!  Yes, someone watched the movie Wild Hogs and thought they could improve it with a cast that, in theory, doesn’t suck.  Then they hired Kevin Kline.  I don’t want to sound especially rude, but can anyone explain how Kevin Kline got in this film?  Robert De Niro, Morgan Freeman, Michael Douglas and Kevin Kline who clearly replaced someone else when the casting fell though. I refuse to believe he was the first choice for this role, or even the second choice for that matter.

Anyway, it’s old men in Las Vegas, so expect awkward sex jokes.

Free Birds

A cartoon about turkeys?  No.

Diana

Remember Princess Diana?  Now imagine someone made a shitty movie about her life.  Now stop imagining because it’s real!  Now use your powers of imagination for something better.

Pervert’s Guide to Ideology

I don’t recall writing a movie that got accepted and produced at any point in time so I feel I’m at a loss to explain this.

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