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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Nov 22nd

We missed last week due to a technical problem and we may as well miss this week because you know who’s making all the money, but hey, let’s make fun of the movies no one is going to see this weekend.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

The internet’s pretend girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence is back in the role that made her famous but before you knew you wanted to smell her hair, the mostly mediocre Hunger Games!  Yay!

I don’t want to shit on anyone’s parade, but wasn’t the Hunger Games kind of lame?  And wasn’t it solely the fault of both a character terribly named Peeta and that one jackhole’s awful beard?  You know what I mean.

I have no idea what this movie is about having never read the books due to being a self-respecting adult.  I don’t read children’s books.  It’s fine if you do, though.  We’re all proud of you.  Anyway, if I had to guess, this one is about how people in a fictional world also want to touch Jennifer Lawrence.  And maybe how Peeta is still lame.  Peeta?  I mean, come on.  It makes Katniss seem cool by comparison and Katniss is about as stupid as dry humping a doorknob.

Delivery Man

Vince Vaughn is back in another comedy that makes you feel uncomfortable with the idea of being near Vince Vaughn.  Isn’t it kind of bizarre that he’s constantly playing comedic roles that are kind of slimy and make you not want to know him as a person?

I think this movie is about how he’s a sperm donor so right there you have to deal with Vince Vaughn sperm.  Despite this, it’s not about Owen Wilson’s back.  Zing!  No, but really, if they’re a couple, I feel happy for them, they seem to get along really well.

Contracted

I love the poster for this movie because it’s disgusting. Also, I swear I wrote about this before but my memory is shit ever since I took up tequila instead of milk on my cereal.  Anyways, I think this movie is about an evil STD.  That shit is brilliant. Imagine transmitting some horrible, disfiguring disease via sex.  Oh, that already happens?  Nevermind then.  Still, cool poster.

Philomena

Philomena is the name you give  daughter when you have planned, from birth, to never love her.  I literally know nothing about this movie except that Judi Dench is in it, so let’s assume she’s Philomena.  What’s her deal?  I would like to see Judi Dench play a retired porn star, so let’s say that.  And maybe she gets mixed up with mobsters because the Don, an old Italian, used to love her in her porn heyday and now she needs to go on some wacky adventures to retrieve her kidnapped, long lost son from these mobsters.  Yeah.

The Christmas Candle

The name of this movie alone is enough to ensure that not only will I never watch it, I may swear and throw food at my TV if I happen to flip by it on my way to a rerun of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia which I assure you has no Christmas Candles.

Let’s go out on a limb and assume this movie is about something touching that happens at Christmas but only after a trial that puts the spirit of the season in jeopardy.  Then in the end everyone feels warmth and togetherness and realizes that something something where’s FX so I can watch It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia?

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