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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: Nov. 9th

Last week Wreck-it Ralph wrecked the box office and I actually saw it.  Yes, I went to see a children’s movie, I am enlightened.  But it had John C Reilly and Sarah Silverman so I assumed it would be good, and it wasn’t bad actually.  I’m pleased with my choice even though I bought nachos and they were stale as shit.  I tried to get my money back and some 16 year old exerted authority and denied my right to fresh nachos saying I could trade them for more nachos, but what the hell, kid?  They all came from the same place, how are the rest not stale?  How stupid do I look?  Stale nacho stupid?  Bah!  On with the movies.

Skyfall

James Bond returns for his 97th film with its 32nd actor, Daniel Craig.  Of all the Bonds, Craig ranks among the top 3 I’d say, maybe battling for the top spot with Sean Connery, because more than any other Bond I genuinely feel that Daniel Craig does not give a shit about you or anyone else.  That’s who James Bond should be.  Sure he’s charming and suave but at the end of the day his job is to risk his life every goddamn day and murder people who need murdering.  He can’t be Pierce Brosnan friendly.  He needs to be a handsome sociopath with awesome gadgets.  Daniel Craig hates you and Kim Kardashian and he will tell you so.  Bless his heart.

That said, do you even need to know the plot to this movie?  Absolutely nothing worth seeing is opening against it (spoilers for the rest of this article) and it’s James Bond.  Every Bond movie is essentially the same and yet still awesome, no other franchise has mastered anything even close to that.  By the way, not all James Bond movies are awesome, but the idea of them is.  Did you see On her Majesty’s Secret Service with George Lazenby?  What a turd.

Nature Calls

I have never even heard of this movie but Patton Oswalt is in it so I approve of it.  I guess it has something to do with Boy Scouts.  You know, that almost rings a bell but I was drinking homemade beer earlier so I can’t say for sure if my memory is all it should be at the moment.  I will say I trust in Patton Oswalt because he seems like he’s actually a smart guy on top of being funny.  You need that mix.  I’m funny because I used to be smart.  No really, when I was a kid I had so much potential it was insane.  They skipped me through math and all kinds of impressive shit and then I became a sullen teenager, found alcohol, got super lazy and squandered it all.  Now I need to use spell check to get through even the most simple sentences and I once laughed at Bucky Larson.  I got nothing, man.

Citadel

I thought this movie at first was that action movie from…hell, I forget what country.  Malaysia?  Thailand?  I don’t know.  About a SWAT team taking out an apartment building that’s some kind of drug haven and it’s all insane actiony and whatnot.  But it’s not.  But I watched a trailer for this movie so I do know what it is!  It’s about an agoraphobic dude whose wife gets attacked by thugs and he has to raise his baby in constant fear that the thugs are coming back for his baby.  And the gang of thugs are like monsters or something.  Or the guy is just insane and thinks they are.  But whatever.  It looked kind of creepy and potentially one of those really cool horror flicks that not many people ever see because Hollywood likes to make awful, awful horror movies for mainstream audiences an these movies only go to maybe 5 theaters in Portland or whatever.

Christmas in Compton

Is there any way you could begin to craft an argument on any grounds for how this movie isn’t hand crafted from 100% pure, rancid turd?  Christmas in Compton hitting theaters in early November and starring the brother of Cuba Gooding Jr, and Keith David.   Guess who the white guy is.  Go on, guess.  It’s Eric Roberts.  It’s always Eric Roberts.  Eric Roberts is like cinema herpes, he has outbreaks in the dark, damp corners and you never fully get rid of him because you can’t.  Not really.  Not ever.

I’m going to throw caution to the wind and guess the plot of this movie has to do with Christmas, and Compton.  There will be hilarious jokes related to both.  Eric Roberts will be the villain because he always in.  In all movies, in Julia Roberts’ life, everywhere.

The Comedy

Just because this movie is called The Comedy you know it’s not a comedy at all and is likely very deceptive all the way through.  I bet this movie is actually depressing and one of those human condition flicks in which shit is the exact opposite of funny.  Contrarian bastards.  I will speak of it no more!

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