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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: November 8th

All the good movie news this week was about movies that aren’t out yet, like Star Wars and whatnot.  But on the upside, the new Thor is here, that oughtta make a buttload of money, right?  Right!

Thor: The Dark World

Obviously I’m going to see this because I am a nerd like that and also because comic book movies are pretty awesome these days.   I hope this movie ends with Thor and Loki being best buds and then Loki totally screwing him and Thor being like “ugh” an just smashing Loki’s head in with that hammer. Not because I don’t like Loki but honestly, he’s supervillained his way through 3 movies now, he needs to be put to rest.  Honestly he’ll probably be injured or killed by the villain in this movie an there will be that redemptive moment when he and Thor kind of bond and then Thor avenges him, being and Avenger and all, and then we’ll find out he’s still alive anyway.

The Starving Games

Jesus.  So these two shit stains on the cinematic landscape have come back again, Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, the combo behind Epic Movie,  Date Movie and every other “parody” film no on watches because they suck.  Who keeps funding these chucklefucks anyway?  And with a Hunger Games parody?  Way to be timely, the sequel comes out this month.

You want to know how clever these guys are?  In the Hunger Games, the character’s name is Peeta Mellark. In this movie they call him Peter Malarkey.  Fuck.  FUUUUUUUCK.  I never use the f-word on HT, you know.  Not usually.  But man…Peter Malarkey?  That’s a joke I’d expect from a 1985 issue of Mad Magazine, right after reading the Clodsby Show.  Screw this movie and anyone who pays to see it.

The Book Thief

What kind of a lowlife steals books?  I wrote a book, did you know that?  You can read it on tumblr, even, go check it out – http://lovemostterrible.tumblr.com/

Don’t steal it, or maybe this movie will be about you, and you don’t want that lame shit.

Best Man Down

This sounds like a terrible romantic comedy that will make you dumber just by watching it.   I bet nothing good happens in it.  I bet it’s actually a black hole for goodness, so that if you did something charitable earlier in the day, after watching this you’ll needlessly cause suffering for others, like maybe by intentionally running over a pedestrian or something.  This movie will spread evil.

The Armstrong Lie

Everyone knows Lance Armstrong is a douchebag now, so it was only a matter of time before someone made a movie so you could sit for a short amount of time and see how and why he’s a douchebag.  At least that’s what I assume this is.

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