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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: October 12th

Taken 2 owned the box office last week despite every critic hating that movie with a fierce passion. What they didn’t know, however, was that everyone loves Liam Neeson.  They really do.  He was Oscar Schindler, for God’s sake.  Don’t even try to compete with that.  Anyway, on to the new stuff.

Sinister

I’m a horror nerd so I want this to be a good movie.  On the other hand, if you have only seen the commercials and have read up on this in no way, do you have even the slightest clue what this movie is about?  Why is it horror is allowed to be advertised in the most confusing way possible?  Like for real, tell me what this movie is about.  Is it a ghost story?  Demons?  Serial killer?  Monster?  Is Ethan Hawke insane?  Is the house haunted?  Is the family haunted?  Who died, because someone clearly died.  Is the little girl possessed?  Is she evil?  Is she targeted by evil?  You literally have no idea.  This would be like advertising a police movie by never actually showing police in the trailer.

Anyway, this better not suck, because 90% of modern horror sucks and I’m saddened by that.

Argo

Blowing the minds of absolutely everyone, it seems that Ben Affleck wasn’t actually the waste of space loser his acting career made it seem that he was.  Turns out when he directs movies, people love them.  Who knew?  That said, John Goodman is in this but it’s not about the Toronto football team.  Did you know Canada has a football league?  And Toronto’s team is the Argonauts?  It’s true.  This is not about that.

Here Comes the Boom

This is a Kevin James movie.  Do us all a favor and don’t see it.  If you do see it, it’s just going to be a Kevin James movie.

Seven Psychopaths

I want to like this movie because it has a great cast – Chris Walken, Colin Farrell, Sam Rockwell, Woody Harrelson and Tom Waits – but there’s something there that concerns me. Like the trailer makes me believe they tried really hard to make this quirky and weird.  It better not feel like one of those forced quirky and weird movies, you know the ones that got so popular after Tarantino hit it big?  No one likes that.  On the other hand, if it avoids that it’s probably awesome because did you see Farrell, Walken and Rockwell reading scenes from Honey Boo Bo?  That was great.

Atlas Shrugged: Part II

No pic because who cares?

They made a part one to this?  Have you ever read Ayn Rand?  Oh my God.  Ayn Rand is like being punched in the gut by a weak person holding a roll of quarters, over and over and over again until you’re just all over sore as opposed to feeling any acute pain, and you totally have to shit.  So imagine that, but I guess on film, and as a sequel?

Grave Encounters 2

I never heard of Grave Encounters part one so, being the studious researcher I am, I went to youtube and watched the trailer for it and it kind of looks like a million other recent horror movies, but I heard it’s actually a good movie.  I dunno what to think.  People tell me a lot of stuff is good.  Someone told me the Tall Man with Jessica Biel was good and here’s a rundown of why that was bullshit;

  1. Jessica Biel has make up on for the entire movie to actually make her look pale and tired.  Rather than totally hot.
  2. It is not actually a horror movie at all, it just pretends to be one long enough for you to realize what horse shit it is.
  3. The kid in this movie is just preposterous.
  4. The movie literally seems to end about 8 times.  But then it just keeps going.
  5. The actual ending is so completely ridiculous I wasn’t sure if I understood it at first.  It was so dumb I didn’t believe it could be the real ending so I had to rewind a scene and then stop and consider it and realize yes, it was as dumb as it seemed when I first saw it, I didn’t miss anything, the movie ended the way I thought it did, quite on purpose.  It was literally one of the worst film endings I have ever seen for any genre of film in the history of ever.  This isn’t even hyperbole or sarcasm, it’s one of the most terrible endings you could possibly imagine.

So you see, I’ve been burned before.

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