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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: October 25th

Last week Carrie dropped a telekinetic turd on the movie going public and no one was amused, least of all me who hasn’t seen a movie in months.  When will this dry spell end?!?

The Counselor

There’s basically only two big releases this week and this is the serious one for people who eat off of plates and not out of the pot.  It stars everyone in Hollywood including Michael Fassbender and Penelope Cruz.  I don’t want to judge a movie unfairly before seeing it, except that this entire series of articles is based on doing just that, so I’ll point out that I really dislike Penelope Cruz and have not enjoyed anything she has ever done.  She makes me think of a rodent.

Bad Grandpa

This movie looks so much like it should be terrible that it somehow spiraled back towards watchable in my mind.  I want to see this movie now.  I know what Jackass is about, I know exactly what to expect from this movie and that’s why I can’t say it’ll suck, because I can’t be surprised by it.  That said, I bet there’s a lot of cringing and eye rolling going on and that’s OK.

As an aside, I saw the kid who’s in this on Conan ad he’s such a little turd. I hope we never have to endure him in another film and I pity his parents if that is genuinely what he’s like in real life and, as a 9 year old, I assume it’s true.  He’s a little turd.

Toad Road

I think this is a horror movie and I hope to God it’s actually about toads in some way.  Either evil toads or the evil effects of licking toads, I don’t care, just make sure toads get in there somewhere.  In the unlikely event there are no toads then this movie can go straight to hell in a basket full of Penelope Cruz movies.

Cowboy Zombies

Can this movie be bad?  I’m going to break my own arbitrary rules and look this thing up on Rotten Tomatoes so as to have a better idea of what it’s about, beyond the painfully obvious.  I suspect I could pretty much lay out the plot for you right now, as I’ve seen enough zombie movies to generally never be surprised by them but who knows.

Yeah, so this is a movie about zombies in the old west, there’s literally nothing else to say other than they don’t even have a trailer on their own website which seems like a bad thing.  But there’s a midget on the poster, so how bad could it be?  Yeah, you know the answer to that.

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