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Reviewing Movies We Haven’t Seen Yet: September 27th

I think I missed this last week due to almost dying, but no time to reminisce, it’s time to see what movies are coming out this week to entertain the masses!

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2

This is the sequel to the best cartoon I have ever seen about giant, weather-related food.  That said, in this movie it looks like all the food from part one came to life.  The idea of sentient food is off putting on a basic, existential level.  Can you imagine how weird you’d feel if fruit had eyes?  If tacos had emotions and desires?  That’s the kind of shit that should drive you straight to the mouth of madness.

Rush

I saw a picture last week of the cats of this movie opposite the real people they’re portraying and it was uncanny.  Well, half uncanny.  Thor really looks like the dude he’s portraying, it was eerie.  Anyway, I guess this movie is about racing. I have only seen one movie about racing that I enjoyed, and that was Talladega Nights and it had nothing to do with racing, really.  Oddly though, the commercials for this movie make me think it’s the same story from Talladega Nights, only, you know, not funny.  I am not researching this to determine if it’s true, but I think it is.

Don Jon

My first impression of this film is that it’s about a dude who watches porn and gets to bone Scarlett Johansson.  Is that a thing?  Is there conflict in there or anything that makes you want to see this?  It just makes me sad.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt, stop making me sad.

Metallica Through the Never

This is a documentary about Metallica who, despite all logic and reason, are still a band.  I was with Metallica for a while back in the day, we all like the black album, right?  But shit on me, they spent years upon years being complete and total assholes, does anyone care about this band anymore?  Not me.  Next.

We Are What we Are

This looks like a horror movie and reads like an affirmation from Popeye’s family.  I can’t tell what it’s about, though.  What are we?  Vampires?  Mormons? The poster shows some creepy girls and their dad and some bowls of blood, so I want to say this movie is about vampires or cannibals.  Can you make a movie about cannibal vampires?  Maybe that’s what this is, that’d be fun.  I say that knowing full well it wouldn’t be fun at all. What the hell is a cannibal vampire?

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