According to the New York Times, vans, the most trusted vehicle among playground-trolling pedophiles, are quickly becoming the upper class New Yorker’s favorite toy. But these aren’t just any random vans with badass van murals featuring dragons with boobs shooting lightening from their nipples; these are fancy pants luxury vans, like the Mercedes Sprinter, tricked out with flat-screen TVs, couches, computers, mobile Wifi, and, in some cases, gold-plated buttons and knobs.
The thing about a van is, you can dress it up in all the fancy-schmancy rich people stuff you like, but it’ll still be a creepy van that will make you grip your child’s hand just a little bit harder every time it rolls by. There’s no amount of accoutrements that will wipe away the inherent rapiness of a van. It can be a van gilded in gold and bedazzled with the finest diamonds and people will still be calling in amber alerts when they see it parked on a street for more than an hour.
The chances of a rich person being a van-driving sex fiend are probably slim, but as long as there’s even a 1% chance that a member of the 1% is a van creeper, there are some things concerned parents should be on the lookout for, just in case.
If instead of candy, the van owner has fitted the van with a full county fair-style cotton candy machine
If the toys the van has lying in the passenger seat are all extremely rare limited edition Barbies and mint edition issues of Superman #1.
If the van driver offers children a trip to Disney World, along with a fully paid weekend in the presidential suite of a Disney resort and speed pass tickets to the front of every line.
There’s no telling what a rich pedophile will do to a child once ensnared. They may take them to a spa for a relaxing mud bath, or they play the back-nine at Augusta, or even jump to the front of the lie in one of New York’s world class, 5-star restaurants…without reservations. Your child may even be subjected to the horrors of eating beluga caviar and sipping the finest champagne while on a yacht overlooking a beautiful Italian sunset.
The horrors are endless, and they are decadent.