“Rich People Suck”, Says Super Smart Pyschologist, Dr. Duh

According to a new study by Psychologist Dacher Keltner, rich people are out of touch and not very empathetic. Once again, a scientist has spent countless hours, and probably a lot of money, to discover what those of us living in the real world already know. But, hey, if we need science to prove these things, then so be it.

“We have now done 12 separate studies measuring empathy in every way imaginable, social behavior in every way, and some work on compassion and it’s the same story,” he said. “Lower class people just show more empathy, more prosocial behavior, more compassion, no matter how you look at it.”

Who would’ve thunk it? People with money are relatively unaffected by the rest of the world’s problems. Of course they don’t care. They’re too busy eating goose liver and eating off of real plates, living the American dream. It’s hard to give a crap about poor people when your trying to decide on which home theater system to buy. Why should you have any sort of sympathy for anyone who can’t be self-sufficient like you?

As Keltner states, according to his findings:

“They think that economic success and political outcomes, and personal outcomes, have to do with individual behavior, a good work ethic,”

Thank you, Dr. Keltner, we’re glad someone set the record straight! Poor people can pick themselves up by the boot straps, go to a good college with money their grandmother gave them, and use their trust fund for sparingly, just like you did. They’ve got nothing to complain about! If they want to work, they can. They can go out, talk to a few of their father’s friends and find themselves a high-paying entry level job. How hard is that? C’mon poor, underprivileged people! Rich people are tired of you bitching about your lack of things and opportunities!

Keltner points out that poor people are better at making real social connections, because they rely on community and help from those around them. Rich people rely on the same things, they just don’t know it and/or refuse to admit it. As a poor person, or at the very least, a person of lesser means, you have to understand people. You have to know how to make friends with people quickly and easily. People like your landlord for example. If you make friends with him, he’ll be much less likely to evict you when you can’t pay your rent. You have to know how to be charming, like a vagrant gypsy, so that when you go on a job interview you can overcome the fact that nobody in your family works at the company you’re applying for. It also helps to know how to make yourself look harmless and endearing so that people will accept checks from you.

So, bottom line, we can all agree on this: Poor people are better people. Remember that when you’re eating macaroni and cheese for dinner, for the fifth time this week.