Rick Santorum’s Google Problem is Not Just on Google

As some of you may be aware, Rick Santorum grossly named himself after a frothy substance produced as the result of engaging in backdoor shenanigans.  Then he tried to run for President and regretted the whole thing.  What a character!  And while Google is his big problem these days since anyone searching for background that they can use to write articles that make fun of how awful a person Rick Santorum is will use Google, it turns out that Google isn’t the only site causing him issues.  Oh man!  What else is causing him grief out there?  Let’s look!

The Huffington Post Green – There are over 100 separate references to Rick Santorum on the HuffPo’s green section, all of them in reference to the thickest, oiliest part of sewage sludge that leaks from crashed oil tankers and mixes in with the oil itself to make cleaning off friendly seagulls and otters even more disgusting because now, instead of just being covered in oil, they also smell like ass.  This substance is also called Santorum.

Gizmodo – A handful of pieces had been written on the site through the early 2000’s referencing a new piece of technology out of Bangladesh that was invented for people who had no access to indoor plumbing or proper sanitation.  The Santorum, designed to look something like a shoe horn, was a polished-wood ass scraping device meant to clean one’s crevice.

Break.com – In 2007 Break produced an original video known as “Bob Santorum Goes to eHarmony” about a man trying to find his soul mate online, except he also shits himself whenever he gets nervous.

eBay – Particularly stemming from customers in Europe and South America, a large number of reusable cloth feminine hygiene pads for sale were referred to by their Portuguese slang name “Santorums.”

Twitter – Since its inception, and tech scholars have several conflicting stories for why this is so, the hashtag #santorum is often added to any tweet that references anal polyps or fissures.  Most believe it stems from Utah, where doctors who didn’t want to upset Mormon sensibilities, would simply prescribe some Santorum Ointment, rather than say out loud what was really going on.

eBaum’s – Though pirated from another site, the video “Guy Santorums at Church” became hugely popular on eBaum’s in the late 90’s.  It is commonly believed this was just a garbled typo meant to read “Guy Shits at Church.”

Cracked – Humorist Ian Fortey wrote the popular list 7 Stunningly Dangerous Weight Loss Methods which included as its first entry the popular black market tonic “Santorum Surprise” which was a colon cleanser believed to be made mostly from prune juice, vodka and Pine Sol.

OED – The Oxford English Dictionary defines Santorum as a “white, pasty substances produced by the taint gland in most bipedal mammals.”  It traces its origins to a Germanic word which means “crotch stink.”

Wikipedia – Innumerable references to all the above definitions of Santorum and also several references to the earliest known scholarly use of the word in Aristotle’s Ars Poetica where the word simply means “an unlearned asshole.”

Holy Taco – This article will pop up on future searches for Santorum.  Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day, and for the rest of his life.