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Rick Santorum, Let’s Talk About This Picture

Hello, Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum

From what I’ve been reading of late, you’re one of those strict anti-gay guys. That’s fine. You have the right to be dumb, just as you have the right to be a guy that we will look back on in 50 years and mock for being a bigoted simpleton after your views on human sexuality are crushed under the foot of public opinion and ever-evolving interpretations of love.

Being as anti-gay as you are, you have to understand that taking a picture like this…

Santorum_Ice Cream

…can’t possibly help your cause.

Not too long ago, I wrote an article about how we, as a nation, ritualistically force our presidential candidates to eat phallic foods for our own amusement. We love having pictures on file of would-be Leaders of the Free World that can have a penis easily slipped in to them via Photoshop to give the illusion of our president sucking on a very large dick.

The phallic food phase is done, for now. We’ve already forced the republican nominees in to dick-sucking positions and snapped photos of them in said dick-sucking positions. All of you passed that litmus test a long time ago. No candidate will have to eat phallic foods again until after the primaries are over and we find out who won the republican nomination. At which point, Obama and the republican nominee will be scouring America in search of the perfect phallic food to cram in to their wet, yearning mouths; in search the phallic food that will almost instantaneously win them the presidency. Both candidates will be looking for the phallic food equivalent of Excalibur, and when they find it they will attempt to suck it out of the stone.

Yet, here we are, Rick, with a picture of you going to town on some swirly FroYo that seems to be making the rounds on the internet today, especially on Reddit.

I don’t know what prompted this picture, but being a man that enjoys pornography, I can’t help but compare this picture to the thousands of photos out there of women during porn auditions. You know the ones, Rick. (Hm. Or maybe you don’t). It’s those pictures where the dick sucker is told to pose whilst sucking dick so that the producers may determine whether the dick sucker is photogenic enough while sucking dick to be granted the opportunity to suck dick full-time. This step is usually followed by a presentation of the dick sucker’s résumé and references, and then a tricky out-side-the-box critical thinking question to gauge her mental acuity.

But there’s something weird about all this. I can’t seem to find a picture of you on the internet in which you are blissfully chomping down on some digestible dick analogues. Does this mean that you, the guy that is the current front-runner in the race for the republican nomination, completely passed over your phallic food picture due date? Is this FroYo picture the presidential version of slipping your late homework in to the pile of already turned in homework, hoping your teacher wouldn’t notice?

If so, bad form, Rick. I move that your name be removed from any and all ballots from here on out. You have to play by the unwritten rules that we, the people, completely made up to mock people like you. Although, I do understand why you held out on the phallic food thing for so long — you can’t be the staunch anti-gay candidate and have pictures like this one floating around. But, what with the impressive number of truly idiotic things you’ve said in the past couple of weeks, I think you’re trying to get every vote you can get, so you and your team (conspiracy theory on the way!) secretly pushed this picture in to the public eye as a way of subliminally winning over the gay community.

It probably won’t work, but it’s nice to know that you’re willing to put in the extra work to make it seem like you actually give a damn about a specific type of human, even though you clearly don’t. How do I know this? Well, you say a lot of dumb, hateful shit – so that’s one. Two, I don’t see the dick-sucking passion in your eyes.

Look at Rick Perry going down on a corndog.

That man is eating that corndog like it has the Oval Office nestled down at its core and it must be sucked out NOW, like snake bite venom. You know he would have that presidential phallic food passion even if the cameras weren’t around. But look at you…

Santorum_Ice Cream

You’re so…self-aware. It’s not a genuine phallic food moment. This picture is clearly a contrivance; a construct to woo us.

It’s not going to work, Rick. We see right through you. We know you don’t want to pose with phallic food in your mouth, which is why you’ll never be president. Sure, the rest of your republican presidential hopefuls don’t like gay people either, but at least they had the decency to push their hate aside and pull some dickish stuff in to their heads. They did this because they want to win. You, clearly, do not.

Sorry, Rick, but you’re done. Too little, too late.

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